


Hold Back the River

by Lecrit



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec and Magnus are both idiots, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, F/F, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Friendship/Love, Homophobic Language, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mutual Pining, Robert Lightwood is an asshole, Writer Alec, also Simon/Alec friendship because I need it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-03
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-05-24 12:19:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 37,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6153511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lecrit/pseuds/Lecrit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lust, Alec had learnt to know, could be a powerful thing. It took over your body, clouding your judgment and your mind, turning you into a powerless witness to your own desires. With time, he had also learnt that lust and love could sometimes be two very different things, not necessarily linked together. This was not one of those times.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Can you save my heavy dirty soul

**Author's Note:**

> Hello dearies,
> 
> Me again! Thank you ever so much for the amazing support on my first Malec fic, I'm glad you liked it!  
> Friendly reminder that English is still not my native language ;)
> 
> Happy reading!

Lust, Alec had learnt to know, could be a powerful thing. It took over your body, clouding your judgment and your mind, turning you into a powerless witness to your own desires. With time, he had also learnt that lust and love could sometimes be two very different things, not necessarily linked together. This was not one of those times. 

.  
He had never looked at Magnus as more than a friend. He recognized the other man's attractiveness but had never really looked twice. After all, when he had met Magnus five years ago, they had both been in committed relationships, Alec with Scott, who was as perfect as he was boring and Magnus with Camille who was as beautiful as she was cruel. It had not ended well. 

He had met Magnus thanks to his sister Isabelle who had gotten to know him at a party in Pandemonium and had been praising him ever since. He was, indeed, something else. 

Magnus was like looking for a shooting star. You were looking at something beautiful and sparkling and suddenly, you could be surprised all over again by its splendor, its swiftness, its brightness. Magnus was beautiful and charming, clever, kind and spontaneous. Alec knew all of that but he had never seen him as anything more than just a friend. He knew it was all he was to Magnus too and it was perfect.

With Magnus had come Clary and Simon, who were both very annoyingly lovable. They had become friends almost immediately. 

Their other friends – which, for Alec were mostly non-existent but he had taken a liking to Maia and Jordan especially – often joked about the six of them behind like the gang from Friends, always stuck together, usually in Magnus's apartment, who actually lived in the building right in front of Alec's in Brooklyn and had the biggest one from them all. They spent most of their evenings or free days together, sometimes not even doing anything but just enjoying each other's company. There was something special about finding people you were so comfortable with that you could just sit together in silence and actually enjoy it. 

The six of them had a friendship that Alec cherished above everything else and he would have died before doing anything to jeopardize it. Or gotten really, really drunk. 

.

He spent so much time at Magnus's that it was actually out of habit that he took the way to his place instead of going straight home. It was already late, around eleven but he knew Magnus would be up even for a Thursday night. He slipped his key into the door – they all had one – and stepped in, receiving a warming welcome from Chairman Meow, Magnus's cat, who rubbed against his leg, purring. He scratched him between the ears and walked into the living room where Magnus was watching TV, enveloped in a blanket on his couch, a glass of red wine in his hand. 

"Alec, darling," he said with a smile, "how was your date?" 

Alec let himself fall next to him on the couch, breathing out a deep sigh. 

"I need a drink or ten. I've already drank an entire bottle there," was his only reply. 

Magnus winced. "That bad, huh?"

"Worse. You have no idea." 

"Let me get you a glass and you can tell me all about it." 

Magnus dragged himself out from the comfort of his blanket and stepped into the kitchen that neared the living room. He was wearing nothing but boxers and a blue tank top that said "let me get this straight" but the last word was crossed out that made Alec smirk.

"Is wine alright?" he called out from the kitchen. 

"Do you have anything stronger?" 

It was a foolish question. Magnus always had something stronger. He heard him snort in reply and he came back a minute later, holding shot glasses and a bottle of dark rum. He deposited them on the coffee table and immediately filled them in, holding one to Alec who downed it in one go. Magnus filled it again. 

"So," he stated, swallowing his own shot, "Talk to me." 

"I am never letting Izzy getting me a blind date again!" he blurted out, slouching further into the couch, letting Magnus put his legs on his lap. "It was awful. A nightmare." 

He downed another shot before continuing. "Sure, the guy was good looking but 1) he looked a lot like Scott which was just creepy, 2) he was late  and didn't apologize, 3) he snapped at our waitress because she accidentally dropped her notebook, 4) he did not stop talking about his boring job as an accountant and 5) when he did stop talking about his boring job, it was to talk about his ex who probably left him for all the other reasons I’ve listed before except maybe for Scott. I don't think his ex dated Scott too."

He was already feeling a bit light-headed and turned his head to face Magnus, who was gazing at him with a sympathetic scowl.

“I’m sorry, Alec,” he grimaced, tilting his head in a fond expression.

“Oh but wait, I haven’t told you the best part yet!” Alec added with an acerbic tone, raising his glass so that Magnus could fill it again. He clinked it with his friend’s and they both downed them quickly.

“I’m all ears,” Magnus said with a graceful wave.

“At some point in the evening, he probably realized that he had been talking about himself for two hours straight,” Alec stated, playing with the hem of the blanket that covered Magnus’s legs on his lap, “so he asked me what I did for a living. So I told him I was a writer. Magnus, I shit you not, the guy looked at me straight in the eye and said “Yeah, but do you have a real job?””

Magnus almost strangled himself with the sip he had just taken from his drink, widening his eyes.

“What?” he almost yelled, a look of pure shock on his handsome features.  “What an asshole!”

“Wait for it! Wait for it!” Alec smirked, turning blurry blue eyes to the other man. “I told him it was actually my full-time job and that I was lucky enough to make a living out of it. He asked about my books, which was honestly surprising at this point, so I told him about Shadowhunters and he said…”

He stopped for suspense, unable to hold his smile at Magnus’s obvious anticipation. He was holding his glass a few centimeters away from his mouth, his green eyes wide with eagerness.

“Come on, Alexander!” he exclaimed, hitting him on the shoulder, “Don’t leave me hanging like that!”

Alec giggled, his laugh sounding slightly overenthusiastic. The alcohol was definitely kicking. “He said,” he paused for effect and cleared his throat, trying to go for the same pompous tone that the guy had had, “Oh, well people would read anything today!”

Magnus gaped at him, apparently rendered speechless. “Please tell me you punched him.”

“You know I am against violence,” Alec replied back with a smirk.

Magnus knew him well enough to know he was hiding something. “What did you do?” he asked with a wide smile.

“I might have emptied my glass of wine on his head, yelled in front of the whole restaurant that he should have told me that he had an STD and left him to pay for the whole meal.”

Magnus laughed, loud and joyful and Alec instantly felt better. He was also feeling very inebriated but it was Magnus, so he could have been puking on the floor and would not have been judged. His phone rang and he picked it up, narrowing his eyes to see his sister’s name appear on the screen through the blurriness. He switched it off and glared at it as if Isabelle could see him.

“Not answering?” Magnus asked.

“Nope. I’m going to let her worry about me all night and tomorrow, I’ll kill her for thinking it was a good idea in the first place!” Alec was being childish, he knew that, but Isabelle deserved some retaliation for putting him through this in the first place.

“Why did you go for it?” Magnus inquired, a lazy smile on his face. “You hate blind dates.”

It was true. Alec hated them with a passion.

“Honestly?” he sighed, the room spinning around him. His friend did not look much better but nodded sloppily. “I just wanted to have sex,” he blurted out and was surprised to realize he could not feel an ounce of shame. He knew it was mainly due to alcohol, but it was also Magnus’s nonjudgmental expression, his open smile. “It’s been forever,” he concluded with an embarrassed groan.

“Tell me about it,” Magnus slurred back with the same bothered tone. “I think I might have beaten my own record!”

“Oh really?” Alec snorted, raising a sardonic eyebrow. “How long has it been?”

Magnus seemed to think about it, rising his chin up in reflection, slightly frowning. “I think the last one was that guy I met at the coffee shop down the road so I believe it’s been seven months. You?”

“Almost a year,” Alec groaned. “The last one was Jack.”

“Oh yeah, I remember him,” his friend remarked with an easy smile, “The I’m-not-gay-I-just-like-Alec guy? That was a disaster.”

“Yep”, Alec confirmed, downing a new glass.

They settled in a comfortable silence and Alec set his shot on the coffee table, where Chairman Meow laid on his back, his legs up in the air. The cat sparred him a snobbish glance and went back to sleep.  Magnus’s couch was like sitting on a cloud, hugging his figure perfectly and he would have probably fallen asleep if it wasn’t for the brilliant idea his drunken mind suddenly decided to supply. He turned to Magnus, who was staring at the ceiling, his neck stretched on the armrest.

“Maybe we should have sex,” Alec blurted out before he could actually think about it and stop himself.

Magnus’s head snapped up, the bones in his neck cracking with the speed of it. “What?” he almost shouted, looking at Alec as if he had grown a second head.

“I mean, it makes sense,” Alec uttered with a confidence he was not feeling. “We’re friends, right?” Magnus nodded. “But there’s no romantic love between us. I trust you and I know you trust me too. We both want to have sex and it would be easier that trying to find someone appropriate when all of our last relationships have been disasters. It could be just sex, meaningless sex and we would not have to talk about it ever again.”

“I didn’t think I would say that,” Magnus stated in a startled tone, “but it actually makes sense, yeah.”

“Really?” Alec asked, taken aback himself at the other man’s endorsement. He wasn’t sure that it actually made sense but apparently to their drunken minds, it did.

“Yeah,” he responded and he actually sat up, taking his legs off Alec’s lap. “It doesn’t have to be weird. We’re both adults, making an adult decision. But then, you have to promise me something.”

Alec turned his blue eyes toward Magnus, an openness on his face that could not be faked.

“Promise me we’ll still be friends and it won’t be weird tomorrow morning because I could not deal with that, I value your friendship too much,” Magnus whispered and there was an uncommon vulnerability on his face, a profound sincerity in his eyes.

“I promise,” Alec muttered back with a fond smile.

Magnus nodded and the next second, before Alec even knew what was happening, he was sitting on his lap, straddling his legs. They stared at each other for a while, studying this new proximity with caution and suddenly, Magnus’s hands were cupping his neck.

“Are we really doing that?” Magnus murmured and Alec could see the lust in his eyes. He was certain he had the exact same look.

“Yep. I think we are,” he stated and took hold of his hips before crashing their mouths together.

Magnus kissed back eagerly, his hands finding their way to Alec’s hair, his fingers lightly caressing his ear. There was an oddness in kissing someone you were so close with, in discovering them in a new way that you had not expected. Magnus kissed like he did everything else: with all he had, with an undisguised passion that made you feel like it was the most natural thing in the world and yet the most stunning all at once. He nipped at his bottom lip, demanding an entrance that Alec happily granted, their tongues meeting each other in an ardent dance. His heart skipped a beat, his hold tightening on the other’s hips.

His mind was swimming with alcohol but this was much more dizzying and everything around him suddenly resolved around the man in his arms. Magnus finally pulled away and Alec was surprised to almost find himself whining, panting heavily. His friend’s lips only went strolling lower, finding his pulse point and working there on what would probably leave a mark the next day. Alec moaned and his hands moved of their own accord, finding their way under Magnus’s tank top, stroking the naked skin he could access to.

“Shit,” he muttered roughly when Magnus rolled his hips, chuckling against his neck, sending shivers down his spine.

He grabbed at Magnus’s hair, pulling him back up for another breathtaking kiss while the other man worked on undoing his belt, throwing it behind the couch in a loud thud that none of them really heard. Next went his shirt and Magnus actually pulled away, eyeing him up and down with a satisfied smirk. His hair was already disheveled and his lips swollen from the kissing. He looked beautiful.

“Fuck,” Magnus murmured coarsely and Alec was glad to realize he was not the only one who was so affected, “I knew you were gorgeous under these horrible clothes.”

Alec formed a protest at the back of his throat but Magnus was already kissing back there, rolling his hips again, and it came out more as a moan. The only retaliation he could think of was to take off the other man’s tank top, sending it flying across the room before grabbing his hips, spinning them around so that Magnus was lying on the couch, Alec hovering on top of him. He found his way to the other man’s neck, leaving a mark of his own, and he couldn’t contain his satisfaction when Magnus squirmed under him, moaning softly. He was working on opening his jeans with one hand, the other one lingering on Alec’s torso, caressing every bit of naked skin he could find.

Alec reluctantly pulled back, admiring the result of his ministrations on the man’s neck, and took his shoes and jeans off before settling back against him, the chests brushing each other’s. They were both panting loudly and Alec wondered for a second if it was weird that this was not weird at all but the thought was pushed away by Magnus’s hand finding its way down its boxers, taking hold of his throbbing member.

“Shit,” he murmured again, his vocabulary painfully lowered.

He let his head fall against the other man’s shoulder, groaning a series of profanities as Magnus started moving his hand, stroking him gently. He knew he was not going to last long.

Magnus chuckled lightly. “Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” he whispered in Alec’s ear, biting smoothly on his lobe, quickening his pace.

“No, only you,” he replied breathlessly, “Magnus, I’m not going to last long if you – shit – if you keep going like that.”

“I know,” Magnus responded softly but he could hear the mischief in his voice and it sent a new wave a shivers down his spine.

Rolling his eyes, he found his own way under Magnus’s boxers, copying the exact same rhythm he was applying on him and he heard him hold his breath with a creeping sense of satisfaction.

They both didn’t last long, collapsing into each other with a cry, panting heavily. Alec was seeing shooting stars. Magnus slid from under Alec, grabbing the box of tissues from the coffee table to clean them up. Alec followed his movement with a lazy gaze and when his eyes met a pair of bored orange eyes, he couldn’t help but start laughing. Magnus raised a questioning eyebrow.

“Your cat is a pervert!” he giggled, pointing to Chairman Meow sitting on the coffee table, staring at them with surprisingly judging eyes.

Magnus snorted. “Well, he does have a perverted master.”

“Yeah, I noticed,” Alec joked languidly. He grabbed Magnus’s waist, bringing him back against his chest with a yawn.

I took them approximately five minutes to fall asleep, closely intertwined with each other.

.

The next day, Alec woke up to the smell of bacon and a smile on his face. He stretched out and sat up, his neck painfully aching from the uncomfortable position he had slept in. He couldn’t help but blush when he took a look to his surroundings. He was still half naked and his clothes were neatly folded at the end of the couch. He grabbed them, putting them on hastily, suddenly feeling overexposed.

He walked into the kitchen, where Magnus was making breakfast, already showered and dressed up, singing along to the radio to a Queen song.

“Hey there, sleepy head! Scrambled or fried?” he asked, pointing at the eggs with his spatula. “There’s coffee in the pot.”

“Thank God,” Alec let out, helping himself. “And scrambled, please.”

“Oh please, you can call me Magnus!”

Alec rolled his eyes but couldn’t help but smile, grateful to avoid the awkward morning-after silences and stolen glances. Magnus was as jovial as he always was and that was a gift in itself.

“There are aspirins in the cupboard over the sink if you need one,” he continued, adding the eggs to the pan.

“No, I’m actually alright,” Alec replied and he was genuinely surprised, “my head is not hurting.”

“Oh, I heard sex is good for headaches,” Magnus chimed in with a smirk, winking at Alec from his spot in front of the cooker.

Alec felt his cheeks burn and choked on his coffee, his eyes widening comically.

“Magnus!”

“Oh, come on, you promised you wouldn’t make it weird!” the latter exclaimed, depositing the eggs in two plates and setting them on the table.

“I’m not making it weird! You’re the one bringing it up! I’m alright with it as long as you are,” Alec replied, almost offended that he could imply otherwise. “Are you?”

“Of course I am! It was nice. And if I had to choose anyone for a onetime thing, I’m glad it was you!” Magnus chimed in.

“Cheers to that,” Alec responded, holding his mug up.

Magnus clinked his own mug against it and they both set to eating breakfast in a comfortable silence. Magnus had to leave for work soon after and Alec went down the building with him. Magnus waved at him and Alec crossed the road to get to his apartment. The obvious benefit of being a writer was that he could work from home and he was actually in advance in his editor’s schedule so he could just enjoy a very long shower. At least, that was what he had planned until he got there, turned the key into the door and heard that the TV was on. He stepped into his living room and Isabelle jumped out of the couch, turning to face him.

“Where were you?” she almost shouted, eyeing him fervently. “You switched your phone off, I was worried sick!”

“Because I am not talking to you,” Alec replied calmly, “ever again.”

“Why not?” she questioned, obviously ignorant of how bad his date had gone.

“Because the guy you tried to set me up with was the biggest jerk I have ever met.”

Isabelle raised a cocky eyebrow and crossed her arms. “Well he couldn’t be that bad, judging by the state of your neck” she chimed in with a satisfied smirk.

“That was not him!” Alec blurted out before he could stop himself, slamming a hand against the mark on his throat, his face turning scarlet straight away. “I-I fell!”

“On your neck?” she laughed, not believing one word of it.

It seems to all register because Isabelle openly gaped at him but the surprise quickly turned to excitement and she stepped forward to stand right in front of him, examining the red marks on his throat. He could feel his cheeks burn even more.

“Sit down and tell me everything!” she ordered, pointing at the couch.

“Can I go and take a shower first?” He felt like a little child asking permission to go out and play with his friends. “I didn’t get a chance this morning.”

That did nothing to temper her excitement. She nodded eagerly, a big goofy smile on her lips. Alec almost ran to the bathroom and turned the shower on immediately, before snatching his phone out of his pocket, quickly sending a text to Magnus.

_Izzy was waiting for me in my living room, I feel so invaded! She wants to know why I have a GIGANTIC hickey on my neck – thanks for that! – what do I tell her? You know we would never hear the end of it if I tell her the truth!_

It took approximately thirty seconds for the respond to come.

_Just tell her you went home with whatshisname! The one you were on a date with. Sorry about that, but I’d like to let you know that I have a GIGANTIC hickey myself which is why I am wearing a scarf at work so that my staff can’t use it to blackmail me for more days off later!_

Alec rolled his eyes but couldn’t help but smile fondly at his friend.

_By “your staff”, you mean Hannah, right? Because she’s the only staff you have. Shit, I already told her that the date was horrible and that it wasn’t him. I didn’t think this through._

He stepped in the shower and let out a deep relieved sigh when the warm water met his still aching neck. A new text was waiting for him when he got out, feeling like a new man.

_Technicalities. Tell her it went so bad that you asked me to meet you to a bar afterwards and we both left separately with other people. That way I’ve got an excuse for my hickey too because don’t forget everyone is coming to my place tonight and you know how nosey these little fuckers are!_

_Good point. See you tonight xx_

Alec wrapped a towel around his waist and one around his neck and got out of the bathroom, going to his bedroom to get dressed. Isabelle was waiting for him on his couch and he knew it was a conversation he couldn’t avoid or she would just hunt him down and torture the answers to her questions out of him. He frowned thinking that he was barely exaggerating.

“So?” she asked, still smiling widely.

He told her how bad the date had gone and how much of a jerk the guy had been, trying to belittle him for earning a living by doing what he loved the most in the world.

“I’m so sorry,” Isabelle sighed, taking his hand and she sounded so sincere that he just had to forgive her, “I really thought he was a good guy. I’ve met him a few times at some of Simon’s college parties and he was always alright.”

“Maybe he’s only alright when he’s drunk then,” Alec said, his voice heavy with sarcasm.

“Okay, the guy is an idiot!” Isabelle stated with a finality that couldn’t mean anything good before leaning in, smirking. “That doesn’t explain why your neck looks like you were attacked by a wild beast!”

“Maybe I was,” her brother replied, “New York is a dangerous place.”

“Alec, come on,” she whined, looking more like a child than his twenty-three years old sister.

“Okay, okay,” he sighed and told her the lie he had agreed on with Magnus, avoiding her eyes. He knew he was a terrible liar and she would know immediately he wasn’t telling the truth if she looked straight into his eyes. He tried to make it look like embarrassment.

“Which bar was it?” she asked when he was done, her eyes narrowing suspiciously.

“The Alto Bar,” he replied with a smoothness that surprised himself. Magnus would be so proud.

She seemed to believe him because she nodded and her face lit up again. She then proceeded in asking him a million questions about the imaginary lover he had slept with the night before, completely oblivious to the fact that she knew the man he had actually spent the night with. She didn’t stop until her phone rang, Clary’s name appearing on the screen. She got up to answer and Alec took advantage of the situation to fire a quick text to his very existent lover from the night before.

_Nailed it. If anyone asks, we were at the Alto Bar._

The reply was almost instantaneous.

_Duly noted. See you tonight xx_

.

Isabelle had eaten lunch with him and had left afterwards and he was more than happy to let himself fall into his couch, grabbing his laptop and opening the folder that contained his new novel. He lost himself into the writing, the smoothness of the words, the easiness with which he could create an entirely new world. He didn’t see the time pass but when he gazed up, his phone ringing next to him, it was past five in the afternoon. He recognized his agent’s name on the screen and picked up.

The good news was so unexpected that he found himself jumping up and down as soon as he had hung up. He didn’t know who to tell first. He wanted to call everyone but he knew he would see them all that night and he really wanted to see their faces so he restrained himself. He couldn’t help but send another text to Magnus though.

_I hope you’ve got champagne, we have something to celebrate!!!_

He then settled on calling his mother, almost shouting in her ears the good news. When he got off the phone half an hour later, a reply was waiting for him.

_I’ll go and buy some as soon as I’m out of the gallery. Do I need to bake a cake and write “Congrats on the sex” with icing on it or are we celebrating something else? ;)_

_You’re an idiot._

The smile on his face was so wide that he wondered if he looked insane. He probably did. He didn’t care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Next chapter coming very soon ;). 
> 
> xxx  
> L.
> 
> PS : The fic's title is a song by James Bay. Chapter's title is a song by twenty one pilots.


	2. Keep careful watch of my brothers' souls

He was still up on cloud nine when he got to Magnus’s place in the evening. The others were all already there.

They were setting the table for dinner when Alec got there, grinning like a lunatic. Simon and Izzy were arguing pointing forks at each other which was not unusual for them while Clary was sitting on the couch, her sketchbook on her lap, focused on her drawing. Jace was standing next to the fighting duo, obviously finding a real enjoyment in watching them. He was the first one to spot Alec, coming over to hug him.   
Alec raised an eyebrow, pointing at Simon and Izzy who were so absorbed in their fight that they hadn't noticed he had arrived. The two of them had dated a while ago and it hadn’t last very long. Isabelle had broken up with Simon because they wanted different things. She wasn’t willing to commit herself to a proper relationship and Simon wasn’t interested in fooling around any longer. Alec sometimes wondered if she regretted her decision.

“Izzy said something about Star Wars being lame,” Jace answered his silent question with a shrug, snickering. 

Alec chuckled and went over to Clary, kissing her lightly on the cheek. She smiled up at him and he took the opportunity to glance at the piece she had been working on. It represented Chairman Meow, lying on his belly, trying to catch the sun. He looked up to see the cat in the exact same position and chuckled. She had an incredible talent. 

“Looks great,” he praised, squeezing her shoulder. 

Simon and Izzy had finally stopped fighting and he saluted them too before stepping into the kitchen where Magnus was cooking, the delicious smell immediately invading his nose.

“Honey, I'm home!” he joked quietly, putting the dessert that he was in charge of getting in the fridge. 

“Hello handsome,” Magnus replied with a wink. He was wearing a ridiculous apron that said "Kiss the Cook" in big sequins letters. “Dinner will be ready soon. So I got the champagne, what's the big news?”

The excitement in his voice was such that Alec was almost tempted to tell him right there but he was a writer and he knew the value of suspense. 

“That's an after-dessert conversation,” he simply answered and actually burst out laughing when Magnus's only response was to stick his tongue at him. 

Magnus turned back to the oven and Alec took the opportunity to actually observe him, his eyes darting to the big red mark he was wearing on his neck, an almost perfect match to Alec's one. 

There was something special about watching Magnus cook. He was so focused on what he was doing that he forgot about everything else. His whole attention was on the ingredients, the spices he gracefully added to the pan and his hands moved with confidence, even though it sometimes looked like he was just improvising. Magnus was a great cook but the best thing about it was not the quality of the dishes he put his heart into making. He did it so he could watch the faces of the people he shared his creations with when they finally tasted them and when you observed him carefully enough, you could see the satisfaction on his face when they enjoyed it.

Magnus cooked like he did everything: with passion and a complete selfless pleasure.

.

The dinner itself went well, the apartment filled with laughter and loud conversations. It wasn't until dessert that Jace finally said what they were all thinking. 

“Okay, enough with the creepy suspense writer stuff. Magnus said you had big news, out with it!” he ordered and if it had been anyone else, Alec would have been very impolite in his answer. 

Alec took a mouthful of water and purposely slowly put his napkin back on the table, ignoring their expecting staring. 

“I need you all to book your Saturday 28th of November for me. It's just a month away but I really need you to be there,” he simply stated with a shy smile, suddenly nervous at the idea of delivering the news. 

“Are you getting married?” Isabelle blurted out, her tone disapproving. “Please tell me you're not getting married to the guy you banged last night!”

“Izzy!” he exclaimed, his eyes widening with shock, his cheeks burning with embarrassment, ignoring Magnus who was struggling not to laugh on his right. 

“What? It's not like no one noticed! The guy literally is a vampire, have you seen your neck?” she replied with an unapologetic shrug. 

“What are you talking about?” Jace asked, before eventually glancing at Alec's neck for the first time in the evening. Of course Jace would be the only one not noticing on his own. He had probably been too distracted by his own reflection in the windows. Now that he had, Alec knew he was going to spend the rest of the evening being the victim of his terrible teasing. 

“Who did you sleep with last night?” he went on, glaring accusingly at Alec as if he had made himself the culprit of a great crime. 

“No one!” Alec almost yelled, blushing furiously before meeting his brother's eyes, sighing. “Well yeah, someone obviously but that's not the point –“

“Alec, you are not getting married to some random guy you banged last night!” Jace growled with a paternal voice, sounding so much like Alec's actual father that it sent shivers down his spine.

“I am not getting married!” this time he fully shouted, exasperated. His siblings would be the death of him some day. 

Next to him, Magnus cleared his voice and he was very grateful for the interruption. 

“Maybe if you actually let Alec finish...”

There was clear amusement in his voice so Alec decided he was only half grateful.

“Thank you,” Alec sighed. “I got a call from my editor this afternoon. I'm officially a New York Time bestselling author.”

His friends started cheering but he stopped them, holding his hand up. His cheeks were still burning but with a different, shy kind of embarrassment. 

“That's not all of it. I need you to book that date because... I’ve been offered the Idris Award and that's when I’m supposed to get it and I’d like it if you could all, you know, come with me.”

His confession was met with dead silence and he looked up, surprised. Realizing what his friends were waiting for, he couldn't help but roll his eyes. 

“That's it,” he grumbled, “I'm done.” 

The room erupted into cheers, applauds and laughter.

. 

The only problem about all of it was that Alec was expected to say a few words, a basic thank-you speech that was enough to terrify him. He was a writer, not a politician and he hated facing a crowd. It always filled him with a feeling of being scrutinized, that his every move were watched and studied to discredit him. He was not like Jace, Isabelle or Magnus, able to enter a room, absorb all the attention and ignore the staring with their chin up. They did it with an ease that forced either admiration or jealousy. Alec loathed being the center of attention and that was one thing but speaking in front of a room full of people was something else entirely, even if the crowd was already obviously won over to his cause since it was indeed to reward him and other artists like him that they were holding the event in the first place.

There was someone who could understand him though, and that was Simon who started stuttering or blabbering nonsense every time he was nervous which was why it was to Simon that he confessed his worry.

They were having a movie night, like they sometimes did just the two of them, at Alec’s apartment. The movie was already halfway through when Simon turned to him.

“Hey, do I have to wear a tux for your big night?” he asked, obviously not too keen on the idea.

“It says Obligatory Formal Wear on the invite, Si. I think that’s pretty self-explanatory,” Alec replied sarcastically.

“Yeah, I know. I still had hope though,” his friend groaned grouchily. “You’re lucky I love you enough to go through with it.”

 “Oh, you’re too kind, Simon, you should be the one getting an award for your altruism.” Alec rolled his eyes, his voice heavy with irony.

Simon chuckled, taking a mouthful of beer before turning back toward the movie. The silence barely lasted a minute before he turned back to Alec.

“You’re nervous about it, aren’t you?” he asked with a sympathetic smile.

“Fucking terrified,” Alec admitted, figuring there was no point in lying to someone who knew exactly how he felt.

Simon loved being in a band, loved playing music in front of people but Alec had seen him several times backstage before concerts and he always was anxious and jumpy before going on stage.

“It’s not so much the night itself,” he continued. “It’s just the speech. Speaking in front of all of these people, it’s fucking scary.”

Simon nodded understandingly and moved closer to Alec, gently touching him on the shoulder. “Do you want to know what I do when I go on stage to get rid of the nerves?”

Alec looked at him, surprised. He had always thought that the nerves went away when the music started because Simon always lost himself in his instrument, even though the band was honestly not great. They were good enough to play a few gigs here and there but the crowd was usually quite restraint. Maybe it was the constant change of name, too.

He nodded and Simon smiled, a friendly, warm smile that he reserved only for his dear friends. Alec felt fortunate to be on the receiving part of it.

“I look in the room for one of you,” he simply stated and there was a barely disguised emotion in his voice. “I know the band is not great. Trust me, I know. But there’s always one of you to come and see me play anyway. And when I get really nervous, I find comfort in the fact that one of you guys is in the room and that you came to see me, because we’re friends and you love me even though you hate to admit it. Well,” he added after reflection, “maybe Jace doesn’t _love_ me and Clary has to drag him along but he still comes sometimes.” He stopped for a second, lost in thought. “Actually, I don’t really look for Jace’s face because I know he would just pull a face at me or do a Jace-ish thing like smirk or cat call me.”

Alec couldn’t help but laugh. “Jace does love you,” he said before correcting himself at the sight of Simon’s skeptical glare, “Well, maybe not love but he does like you. Just don’t tell him I told you that.”

“To be honest, usually I look for Clary’s or Isabelle’s eyes because they always are so supportive. But I’d rather look for you sometimes, because you’re calmer and I know you understand why I get nervous and you just nod at me but it’s enough to make me understand that if anything goes wrong, you’ll be there for me, even if it’s just to go and get wasted afterwards.”

Alec smiled, a simple, serene smile that went all the way to his eyes, making them bluer than they usually were. “Thank you”, he mumbled, somehow reassured. He could do this. As long as he had his friends with him, he could do it.

“You’re welcome,” Simon replied, his voice suddenly louder, and turned back towards the TV. “Now enough sappiness for tonight or I might want to question my sexuality and kiss you.”

“I would never kiss you,” Alec grunted, amused. “You’re really not my type. And you dated my sister.”

“Yeah, I know.” Simon narrowed his eyes, trying to look offended. “I said I would kiss you, not that you would kiss me back.”

“Just wanted to make sure you knew,” Alec smirked.

His friend flipped him off but went back to focusing on the movie. It was Alec’s favorite scene, Jack Nicholson sitting behind the bar, talking to an imaginary bartender.

.

 If Alec had not seen Magnus as much as usual since their “escapade out of the friendship road”, as he liked to call it in his head, it was not because things were awkward between them. It was because they had both been very busy with their lives, Alec writing on his new book and Magnus having an art gallery to manage. So he was very happy to open his door on a Wednesday night, two weeks after said escapade to find Magnus at his door, a bottle of wine in one hand.

“Hi, darling! Missed me?” Magnus exclaimed, coming in before Alec could even react. “I finally managed to get off work early enough. Deadlines are a pain.”

“Tell me about it,” Alec snorted. He knew quite a bit about deadlines.  Editors could be very insistent.

He rummaged through his cupboards to find two wine glasses and a bottle opener and joined Magnus on the couch. He was staring at his opened laptop.

“Is that your new book?” he asked.

Alec nodded in answer, busying himself with opening the bottle.

“Shit,” Magnus grimaced, turning an apologetic look to the other man. “Is it a bad time? Did I interrupt your inspiration hour?”

The writer smiled fondly, touched by his friend’s care.

“No, you didn’t. I haven’t really written anything in days,” Alec confessed with a deep sigh. “I just sit there looking at my screen as if the novel is going to write itself. I can’t stop thinking about the ceremony.”

Magnus nodded thoughtfully. “Maybe you just need to take your mind off things,” he suggested, “go away for a week end, go to a party, get drunk or just go see a movie. They’re showing The Graduate at the cinema down the road. I know you love that movie.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Alec sighed. “I’m doing nothing these days but go for a run in the mornings and then stare at my screen all day long. I think I’m slowly getting insane. Just the other day, I almost told Simon I loved him. I mean, as a friend!” He felt the need to clarify. “There must be something wrong with me.”

Magnus actually laughed, throwing his head back. “Oh, darling,” he mused, “that would be a shame because you’re the sanest of us all. Imagine the mess it would be if you were to turn insane.”

Alec groaned, taking his head between his hands and sighed.

“Do you want to go out?” Magnus inquired considerately, leaning in to catch his blue eyes.

“No,” Alec breathed out, forcing a smile, “I think I would just be content spending the evening drinking wine with you and bitching about my editor.”

“Well,” Magnus said with a wink, taking the bottle from his hands to fill the glasses, holding one to his friend, “drink up then!”

.

Aline Penhallow had been Alec’s agent since high school when he had gotten his first prize for his writing in high school and she had advised him to send his first novel’s draft to an editor. By advised, he meant that she had sent it for him without telling him. She was a childhood friend and there was no one he would have trusted more with his career than her. She was as fierce as she could be ruthless, but she also was kind, generous and most of all loyal. He trusted her with everything, from the first draft of a book to his entire career. It was thus logical that he would trust her with his clothing too.

Which was why he did not understand how he had found himself dragged to Manhattan for shopping purposes by Isabelle, only to find out that Aline was already there waiting for them. Her jet-black hair was pulled into a stylish bun and she wore big sunglasses over her brown eyes. She looked like she could kill you and, Alec pondered, she probably could. It was one of the reasons he loved her so much.

“Why do I have to be there?” he moaned, hoping Aline would take his side since, you know, he was the one _paying_ her. “You have my measurements. I don’t need to be there.”

Aline clicked her tongue, hugging him gently before doing the same with Isabelle. “You’re here because I need to brief you for your big night. May I remind you that it is next week? So, we’re going to kill one bird with one stone and choose your tuxedo and do just that.”

Alec rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest, deciding that pouting like a child was the best way to let them know that he was not okay with this.

“Also,” Isabelle chimed in, pulling his arm so she could hook hers with his, “I want your opinion on my dress.”

“Yeah, because I’m such a fashion expert,” he grumbled, letting himself be pulled inside the shop.

Aline found a suit for him in barely half an hour, a navy blue tuxedo that, he was told, complimented his eyes. He managed to negotiate against the tie, promising in exchange to wear his shirt buttoned to the top. What took far longer was for the girls to pick their dresses and he was so bored that he had started counting the lines on the modernly designed ceiling. He was contemplating taking a nap when his sister brought him back from dreamland.

“Alec,” Isabelle’s voice resonated from the fitting room she had stepped in seconds ago, “Did you talk to Simon recently?”

There was a hint of hesitation in her tone that made him frown.

“Yeah, we went to see The Graduate two days ago with Magnus and had a beer in The Alto afterwards,” he replied carefully. “Why?”

“Just wondering,” she said, stepping out. The dress she wore was black, a perfect match for her long dark hair, and hugged tightly her curves without being too revealing for the kind of events they were attending. It was perfect.

“Izzy.” He raised an eyebrow and sent her a glance that said in itself that he knew it was more than that.

She let out a deep sigh, wriggling her nose in a cute, almost embarrassed way.

“Well, apparently, he has a new girlfriend,” she admitted reluctantly, “and I just wanted to know if he had told you about it.”

Alec tilted his head and narrowed his eyes, cautiously studying his little sister.

“He did mention he had met someone but he didn’t say if it was serious,” he confirmed. “Why are you asking?”

She shrugged, trying to play it detached but Alec was not fooled for one second. “Izzy, talk to me,” he said, trying to convey as much gentleness as he could.

“I don’t know,” she exhaled, nervously stroking the dress’s fabric. “I guess I just don’t like knowing him with some girl we don’t know!”

“Izzy, you dumped him!” Alec exclaimed, then realized it was probably a bit harsh and softened his glance and his tone, “You don’t have a say in his love life.”

“I know!” she replied and she sounded as astonished as he was. “I know,” she repeated, as if to convince herself. “I was fine with him having insignificant relationships, like that girl he met at that Coldplay concert last year. It was just a fling. But...” she paused, obviously annoyed with herself, “This is different. Alec, he introduced her to Clary!”

“Which is how you know about the girlfriend in the first place, I suppose,” he concluded.

“Obviously but that’s not the problem! He introduced her to Clary, like properly and all that, and that’s a big step. He never did that before, with any of his girlfriends.”

“So, you’re jealous,” Alec said matter-of-factly, stretching back in his seat to stare at her with knowing eyes.

“No!” she protested but immediately reconsidered. “Yes,” she confessed, sighing again. “What is wrong with me?”

She stepped toward her brother to just sit on his lap, burying her face against his neck and he immediately closed his arms around her, hugging her tightly against his chest, softly caressing her hair.

“There’s nothing wrong with you, Izzy,” he whispered, dropping a kiss on her forehead. “But maybe you should tell him how you feel.”

“Yeah, right,” she snorted against his chest. “I left him because I didn’t want to be in a serious relationship three years ago. He moved on, there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“You don’t know that. I mean, maybe he feels the same way. I can try to find out if you want,” Alec put out obligingly.

“No way. You couldn’t lie even if your life was in danger!” Isabelle mocked, finally separating herself from him, raising her chin up with recovered pride.

“Hey! I can lie!” he protested and almost blurted out that he had lied to her barely three weeks before and she had not figured it out to defend himself.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night,” she giggled, patting his cheek scornfully.

He flipped her off and she laughed, loud and happy. It was enough to make him smile.

“I love you,” she said, grinning and it was simple, clear and pure.

“I love you too,” he replied, and it was too.

Aline stepped in front of them, rolling her eyes. “You two are disgustingly cute. You’re brother and sister, you should be fighting!” she chimed in but there was a fondness in her sarcastic tone.

.

Robert and Maryse Lightwood had stopped loving each other a long time ago. Their children knew that better than anyone else. They had been the unwilling witnesses of many fights over the year.

As far as he could remember, the biggest one had been on the day Alec had finally come out to his parents. Jace and Isabelle had already known and they had come with him, because he was terrified of their reaction. Maryse had not been overly enthusiastic but she had accepted it and eventually, she had learnt to tolerate and love her son just as he was. Robert was another story entirely.

Alec still kept today a sour taste at the back of his throat when he remembered the day his father had asked him if there was any chance that his sexual orientation – well, he actually had called it “experiment” – could change. Alec had basically told him to go to hell and they had not been really talking since then. But he could not say no to his mother when she had asked him to come have dinner with them and his siblings for Thanksgiving on the Thursday that preceded his big night.

The first part of dinner went smoothly, from their standards, Maryse making most of the conversation, asking her children about their lives. It painfully reminded Alec that they really didn’t see each other quite often enough.

“Yeah, we’re all going,” Jace was saying with his mouth full and Isabelle punched him on the arm with a disgusted face. He protested loudly but didn’t return the blow. Alec knew he would have if they were not in front of their parents.

“Alexander,” Maryse said then with a loving smile, turning toward him and he just realized that they were talking about him, “We are so proud of you!”

He managed to send her a weak smile in response, gazing down to his plate. His father had not addressed one word to him all evening and he knew he shouldn’t care so much but he couldn’t help it, especially when he could feel his fiery stare trying to burn a hole in his skull. 

“Come on!” Jace exclaimed, stretching over the table to put a hand on his shoulder and shake him lightly. “Don’t be shy! You totally deserve it and anyone who thinks differently can suck my d –“

Isabelle cleared her throat loudly, interrupting the blond who rolled his eyes and sat back on his chair. “We’re all going to support him,” she stated, turning toward their mother, a proud look in her eyes.

“All?” Robert asked and his deep voice immediately gathered the attention, turning all four pair of eyes to him.

“Yeah,” Jace replied with a smile, oblivious to the way Alec tensed at the sound of their father’s voice, “Izzy and I, obviously, and our friends: Clary, Simon and Magnus. Aline too, of course.”

Robert didn’t reply but nodded stiffly before finally turning toward his eldest son, pressing his lips together.

“So, I know Jace is still dating Clary and your sister is currently single. How about you, seeing anyone?” Robert asked and Alec had to stop himself from widening his eyes in surprise.

“No,” he breathed out, sparing a confused look to his siblings who were smiling encouragingly at him. “I didn’t really date anyone since Scott.”

Robert nodded and cleared his throat, turning back to his plate to pick on a roasted potato.

“You know, the Carstairs’s daughter, Emma, is going to be in town for Christmas,” he announced, trying to sound detached but failing miserably. “Maybe you could show her around, she doesn’t know New York.”

Alec took a deep breath. It had been too good to be true but he couldn’t let this affect him.

“Sure,” he blurted out through gritted teeth.

“She’s a pretty girl,” Robert continued, digging a bigger hole for himself without even realizing it, “And smart, too. She’s studying law in Yale.”

Alec turned his blue eyes to his brother and sister, who were not smiling anymore but looking at him with apologetic glances as if they had anything to do with it. Alec saw red.

“Dad, I’m gay,” he hissed, clenching his fingers on his cutlery, his face flushed with anger. “I’m not interested in the Carstairs’s daughter.”

“Oh, come on,” Robert sneered, rolling his eyes. “You can’t still be stuck on that! I thought you had changed your mind after the disaster with Scott.”

“Dad!” Jace and Isabelle shouted at the same time but Alec raised a hand, stopping them both. Maryse was looking between them with desperation.

“I’m not going to change my mind,” Alec said as calmly as he could with the fury running through his veins. “Ever. I’m gay, whether you like it or not and it’s not something I can change about myself.”

“But –“

“There is no but!” he fully yelled this time, making his mother jump in her seat next to Isabelle. “You either accept it or you don’t, but that’s not going to change!”

“Well, I won’t accept it!” Robert shouted back. He looked slightly taken aback at his son’s outburst, which Alec counted as a small victory. “My son can’t be…”

He stopped himself before he could finish his sentence, but his eyes said all the words he was not willing to express and Alec heard them loud and clear.

“Can’t be what?” he asked with a humorless laugh. “A queer scum? Well, sorry to disappoint.” He stood up, shaking his head. “To think I actually believed you could be proud of me, how naïve can I be? But you know what? That’s alright. I don’t need your approval, even less your blessing. I’m not ashamed of who I am and I can be proud enough for the both of us.”

He went around the table to his mother.

“Sorry Mom, I can’t be here anymore,” he sighed, leaning in to kiss her lightly on the cheek. He turned back to his father who looked on the verge of passing out. “Goodbye, Dad.”

He grabbed his jacket, stepping out of the dining room. He barely had the time to hear Isabelle yell “What is wrong with you?”, Jace approving loudly, before he slammed the front door behind him.

There were tears in his eyes when he got into the elevator.

.

He had planned on finding a bar to drown his sorrow in alcohol but his steps lead him to his street in Brooklyn. He thought about it for a second before he crossed the road. He took the steps instead of the elevator, needing to get some steam away from his body, and found himself knocking at Magnus’s door. He had left his key at home.

The door opened just as he was about to knock for the second time. Magnus was wearing a silk purple night robe and his face was naked of any make-up. It suddenly occurred to Alec that it was late and a quick glance at his watch confirmed that it was past one in the morning.

“Alec?” He sounded surprised, his eyes heavy with drowsiness.

“I’m sorry, I-I didn’t check the time, I hadn’t realized it was so late,” the writer replied with a shaky voice and he swore internally when he felt the tears rise back to his eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Magnus asked, dismissing his last comment with a graceful wave.

“I-I’ll just go,” Alec whispered. “Sorry.”

He went to turn away but Magnus grabbed his wrist, pulling him back gently.

“Don’t be ridiculous. Come in.”

From the tone of his statement, there was no room for negotiation. Alec let himself be pulled in and sat on the couch as instructed. Magnus walked in the kitchen and he heard rummaging.

He allowed himself to get lost in his thoughts, replaying over and over again the disgusted look on his father's face and the desperate one on his mother's. He had hoped, foolishly, that maybe his father would change his mind and actually be proud of him and his achievements as a writer. How wrong he had been. 

The worst thing was not even the harsh words themselves, cutting as a razor, it was the finality with which he had pronounced them, crushing any hope of future amends. He knew it was something they could not come back from. He just had to learn to live with the idea of his father hating him for what he was. It was harder than he thought it would be.

Magnus came back to the living room, holding a trailer bearing two steaming mugs and a teapot. He gave one to Alec before sitting next to him on the couch. 

“What happened?” he asked softly, worry evident in his green eyes. “What's wrong?”

Just as he was about to answer, his phone rang and he almost jumped, taking it out of his pocket. It was Jace. 

“Sorry,” he mumbled, “I have to take it.”

Magnus nodded, taking a sip of his own tea. He picked up with a hoarse voice. 

"Yeah?”

“Are you okay?” Jace blurted out, sighing with relief at the sound of his brother’s voice.

“I'm alright, don't worry.”

“Where are you?” his brother asked, clearly not happy with his answer. “You shouldn’t be alone right now. Tell me where you are and I’ll meet you there.”

“No, you don't have to come,” Alec sighed. “I'm not alone, I'm at Magnus's.”

“Great, we’ll meet you there. I’m with Izzy,” Jace blurted out immediately.

“No Jace, please don’t,” he almost begged, pinching his nose. “You really don't have to come... Please. I’m fine, I swear. I'll talk to you tomorrow, alright?”

There was a moment of silence and he could imagine Jace turning to Isabelle to quietly repeat his words.

“Fine,” he said finally but he didn’t sound like it was fine at all. “But call me if you change your mind, okay?”

“Okay I will, I promise. 'Night.”

“We love you,” Jace sighed and there was so much honesty and it was so rare coming from him that Alec felt his throat tighten with emotion again.

“Love you both too.”

He hung up with a small smile, turning back to Magnus who was looking at him expectantly.

He told him everything. He needed to get it off his chest because it was slowly burning its way to his heart and he didn't want to feel like that. He didn't want to be angry all the time, it was exhausting.   
Magnus didn't interrupt but he gasped or held his breath audibly a few times, nodding along when Alec explained how furious he was or quietly humming his support when his voice got caught with unshed tears.

When he was done, Magnus took his hand, lightly rubbing his thumb over his knuckles. 

“What I'm about to say may seem harsh but you’re asking for my opinion and this is it,” Magnus stated gently. “Alec, family is not blood and blood isn't family. Parents are not always right just because they are older or because they gave birth to you. Sometimes they are wrong and sometimes they treat you like shit. You do not have to put up with it. If they're not good enough, if they don't realize how wonderful you are, you can cross them out. They do not own you.”

Alec sighed, slouching further into the couch, desperately hoping it would just swallow him.

“Did I ever tell you about my parents?” Magnus asked quietly.

Alec looked up at him, frowning. “Just that they died in a car accident when you were eighteen”, he replied croakily, his throat still tight with emotions.

“Yeah, that’s true but that’s not all there is to know.” Magnus took a deep breath. “My mother was not a bad person. She was actually lovely, although quite strict. She accorded a lot of importance to the Indonesian traditions she had been raised with and one of these traditions is that the man of the house’s word is above anyone else’s. Women don’t have much to say in front of their husbands. So she didn’t…”

He had a conflicted look on his face, as if he was struggling to choose between fondness at the memory or anger. Alec knew exactly how he felt.

“My father was not lovely at all. He was definitely not meant to be a father. Looking back at it, I don’t think he had ever wanted children but my mother did so he indulged her. He didn’t know how to handle children. He had no family left, no one to look up to. And most of all, he had no patience. So when I was being what he called difficult, he used to beat me up. That was quite frequently.”

He paused for a second and Alec squeezed the hand still holding his own. Magnus was staring into space, his expression completely lost. There was a long-lasting exhaustion on his features, a haunted flicker in his green eyes.

“When I turned sixteen, I fell in love with a boy,” he went on. “I was just figuring out that I liked both boys and girls and Imasu was probably the trigger. So I came out to my parents. I think you in particular can imagine how well it went. It went very badly and I ended up with broken ribs. I ran away from home and came to live here in New York with my friend Ragnor. You’ve met him a couple of times. His parents took me in and I send a letter to my parents to tell them where I was so they wouldn’t send the police looking for me. I think I had hoped that they would come straight to New York to get me and apologize. After all, Washington is not that far.” He let out a stern laugh. “Of course they didn’t. They were actually quite relieved to have me gone so I couldn’t embarrass them any further.”

He took a deep breath, unconsciously leaning toward Alec, and took a mouthful of tea.

“My mother called me once in a while but it was always cold and I knew behind her every word it was actually my father talking. I talked to him once, a few months before the accident. Well, if you can call it talking because it was basically ten minutes of him yelling at me, telling me how worthless I was and blah blah blah. It was a lovely conversation,” he added sarcastically. “I think his last words were something like “shame on you”. They died three months later.”

He paused again and finally turned toward Alec, his gaze heavily carrying the weight of painful years.

“I’m sorry,” Alec whispered because he was and because he couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“It’s alright,” Magnus replied, forcing a smile that did not reach his eyes. “I’m not telling you all this just to talk about me,” he continued, “I’m telling you all this because… Ragnor’s parents are, in a way, my real parents. They love me, they accept me as I am and they don’t judge me for the choices I make, even when they consider them foolish. They might not be by blood and they were better parents to me than my biological parents ever were.”

He turned to look at Alec straight in the eyes. “Family isn’t blood. You choose who is part of it and who is not. Of course, family can be important and you can’t ever just erase it. Family can be an anchor, just like Isabelle and Jace are to you. That doesn’t mean you have to let yourself drown so that the others can breathe.”

Alec nodded gravely, taking a long sip of tea. He frowned when he realized it was cold. He hadn’t realized the time had passed so quickly.

“Thank you, Magnus,” he spoke with a low voice.

“Anytime,” the other man answered with a wink, his smile more genuine.

.

He woke up the next morning in Magnus’s guest room, his head aching from the overflow of emotions from the night before. He got out of bed and made his path to the living room. There was a green post-it on the coffee table, next to his phone that he had left there when he had gone to bed.

_Had to leave for work. Come and have lunch with me at the gallery, you should see the new exhibition! Breakfast in the fridge. Xxx M._

Alec smiled to himself and walked into the kitchen, sitting down to enjoy the leftover pancakes.  He grabbed his phone and dialed Jace’s number. He picked up at the first ringtone.

“Hey! You’re alright?”

His voice was rushed and obviously worried. Alec couldn’t help but smile.

“Yeah, I’m good,” he answered and he was surprised to realize it was the truth. “Just got up.”

“Alec, I’m so sorry,” Jace blurted out and he sounded so upset that Alec actually frowned.

“What for?” he inquired through his full mouth. “You didn’t do anything.”

“Yeah, that’s the problem!” his brother exclaimed. “I should have said something! I should have defended you!”

Alec’s chest burned with warmth and love. This was all the family he needed.

“Jace, I can defend myself. And I needed to say what I said myself. Dad had to hear it from me.” Alec replied, with a tight smile. “Plus, I’m sure you and Izzy made sure to give him a piece of your mind once I had left.”

“Yep, we sure did,” Jace sneered. There was something really satisfying in that. “So, we’re good?”

“Of course, we’re good. Come over to watch the game tonight?”

“I’ll bring the beer,” Jace simply stated. “See you tonight.”

“See you.”

Alec was about to hang up when Jace called out his name.

“Yeah?”

“I love you,” his brother breathed out. “No matter what.”

“I love you too,” Alec smiled and hung up.

.

Magnus’s art gallery was on Malcolm X Boulevard and Alec skipped the subway to walk there instead. It was an unusual warm day for this period of the year and the city was beautiful, still sporting fall’s colors, a beautiful mixture of orange, brown and yellow.

Magnus’s secretary was a young, tall, dark-skinned woman with curly brown hair and a kind smile. She waved at him went he came in.

“He’s in the office upstairs,” she informed him before getting distracted by the ringing phone.

“Thanks Hannah,” he called out before taking the steps two at a time.

Alec loved going to the gallery and it wasn’t only for the company. The office upstairs gave a view without equal to the street below. The place had been the premises of a newspaper in the nineteenth century and when he had bought it with the money of his inheritance to transform into the art gallery it was now, Magnus had made sure to keep as much of the original architecture as he could. There were big windows on the wall that gave on the street, bathing the room in daylight which contrasted with the dark brick walls, mixing the ensemble into a perfect vintage modernity.

“Alexander!” Magnus called out with a smile when he saw him.

He was talking to a customer, a tall, grey-haired man who looked all business, so he just waved at him and walked to the window, watching the city unfold under his preying eyes. It took barely five minutes for Magnus to end his conversation, shaking the man’s hand, and join him.

Alec showed him the Chinese take-out bag in his hand and Magnus smiled approvingly before gesturing for him to sit down.

“Feeling better?” he asked, before pressing a button on the phone on his desk, leaning forward. “Hannah, I’m having lunch. Please take my calls. Oh, and call Sam to tell him I sold the Blue Nymph piece.”

“On it,” his secretary’s voice came through the speaker. “ _Bon appétit_.”

“So?” Magnus turned back to him.

“Yeah, much better,” Alec replied with a smile. “Thanks again about last night.”

“Don’t mention it,” Magnus waved off his comment. “How is the writing going? Did you make any progress?”

“Not really,” the writer sighed. “I’ve been stuck on the same part for weeks.”

“You’ll figure it out,” his friend assured, and there was such confidence in his voice that Alec found himself willing to believe him. “Looking forward to be Saturday?”

Alec deflated immediately, grabbing a spring roll. “Yeah.”

Magnus raised an eyebrow, not fooled for a second.

“I mean, of course I’m excited but that speech thing is kind of bursting my bubble. It’s nerve-wracking. I keep thinking I’m going to ruin it somehow.”

Magnus rolled his eyes, pointing at Alec with his chopsticks. “You’re going to do great,” he declared with assurance. “You’re a writer, you have a natural way with words.”

“I hope you’re right,” Alec sighed, chewing carefully.

“When am I not?” Magnus smirked, winking at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the support!  
> I hope you liked this chapter!  
> Did you have a favorite part? Or something you didn't like? Don't hesitate to let me know!
> 
> Next chapter tomorrow ;)
> 
> All the love,  
> L.
> 
> Ps : you can find me on tumblr here : onceuponasourwolf. ;)  
> Ps² : the chapter's title is from I See Fire by Ed Sheeran.


	3. You float like a feather in a beautiful world

Saturday came faster than Alec had been expecting it and he spend the entire day fidgeting around while Aline was yelling at him to stay still for five minutes. He could not stop worrying, his unhelpful mind supplying all the different reasons why it could go wrong. He actually had to sit himself down when he started imagining how he would react if they decided last minute not to give him the award.

They were on the car when Aline finally sighed, turning toward him and taking his face between her hands.

“Alec, stop worrying,” she said calmly. “It’s all going to be just fine. This is your big night, take it just as that.”

He nodded cautiously, before taking a deep breath, closing his eyes for a second. The ceremony was held in a hotel in the Upper East Side and his friends were already there when he showed up, Aline on his heels.

“Please do something,” she stated loudly enough for only their ears. “He’s been stressing out for hours, I don’t know what to do anymore!”

He glared at her. “Traitor,” he mumbled, embracing his sister.

Isabelle held him tightly. “You look great,” she whispered in his ear, kissing his cheek.

Alec took his seat next to her and tried his best to smile good-naturedly to his friends, who were not fooled for a second.

“Quit looking at me like that,” he reprimanded them. “I’m fine.”

Jace snorted skeptically and Clary punched him on the arm. “Ouch!” he cried out. “Why does this keep happening?”

“Because you’re an idiot,” she replied before leaning in to peck him lightly on the lips.

It was eight, and his turn wasn’t due until half past nine. Someone cleared his throat behind him and Alec saw his friends widen their eyes which did nothing to keep the anxiety away. He turned around and he actually gasped when he saw who was facing him.

Will Herondale was one of his favorite writers. He had fallen in love with his books in his teenage years and had never looked back. There was magic in his words. He had a way of catching the reader’s attention in the first page and holding it for the rest of the chapters until the epilogue finally arrived to blow your mind and you looked up to find that you had been absorbed for hours. He was one of the reasons why Alec had become a writer. And he was standing in front of him.

“Mr. Lightwood,” he exclaimed with a friendly smile, holding out his hand. “Such a pleasure to meet you!”

“Uhm, me?” Alec couldn’t help but blurt out lamely, rising to his feet with incredulous wide blue eyes to shake the man’s hand.

Will’s laugh was light and joyful. “Of course, you! I just wanted to tell you I’m a big fan. I’ll be the one presenting your award and I’m honored.”

“W-What?” Alec stuttered, unable to form a clear sentence. “Y-You’re a fan?”

“Yeah,” Will replied simply, his gracious grin never leaving his handsome features. “I got to say, The Mortal Sword is probably my favorite. You really outdid yourself there.”

“Wow,” he whispered, almost to himself. “Thank you so much. I’m a huge fan of your books,” he finally managed to say, landing back on Earth. “You’re the one who made me want to write.”

He could not believe what he was living right now.

“Well, I’m really glad to hear that because it would be a shame if we had been deprived of your talent,” Will answered smoothly, winking at him, and Alec felt his cheeks burn. Was he flirting with him?

“Thank you, Sir,” he breathed out.

“Oh please, call me Will,” the man said, gently patting his shoulder. “I have to go back to my table but it was great talking to you. I hope we can talk some more later.”

“Y-Yeah, me too,” Alec stuttered flimsily.

Will turned back toward their table, saluted them all with a nod, his eyes meeting Magnus’s.

“Good to see you again, Magnus,” he smirked.

“You too, Will,” the latter replied and there was heavy sarcasm in his voice.

He turned their back on them and their friends turned incredulous eyes to Magnus, who sipped his champagne gracefully.

“I dated his cousin,” he explained finally when their preying eyes didn’t look away, shrugging. “Didn’t end well.”

Simon chuckled, before looking up to Alec who was still standing there, his arms falling weakly on his sides. “Alec, you okay?” he asked carefully.

He nodded, finally sitting back on his chair and released a deep breath he didn’t know he had been holding. “Holy shit,” he whispered, widening his eyes again. “Did my writing idol just tell me he loved my books?”

“Yep,” Jace chimed in with a proud smirk, “and he totally flirted with you while doing so.”

Alec felt his cheeks burn again and flipped him off. Jace burst into laughter. They were saved from further arguing by the food being served. Alec checked his watch. An hour and fifteen minutes to go. He could do this.

.

He barely ate anything, ignoring Aline’s disapproving glare. There was a knot the size of a football in his stomach and he really didn’t feel like vomiting in front of all of these people which would probably happen if he ate too much.

He had thirty minutes left when he rose from his seat, anxiously fidgeting with the pockets of his pants.

“I’ll be right back,” he informed his friends, walking away before they could stop him.

His heart was hammering in his chest and his breath was coming out in short jolts, his lungs lacking oxygen. He found an empty bathroom down the corridor and locked the door behind him, trying his best to take deep breaths and calm his thrashing heartbeat. He could feel it in his temples. He opened the top buttons of his shirt and switched the sink on, splashing cold water on his face. It didn’t help.

He jumped when someone knocked on the door.

“Alexander, it’s me,” Magnus’s voice came through the wood. “Let me in, darling.”

Alec took a deep breath, trying to appear composed. He opened the door, locking it again after his friend, and failed miserably when his breath came even shallower than it had been a second earlier.

Magnus immediately stepped in front of him, cupping his hands around his face and looking straight into his blurry blue eyes. Alec was reminded of the night they had spent together a month ago, but he was too distressed to actually blush.

“Alec, breathe,” Magnus whispered, his voice a mixture of tenderness and worry. “Come on darling, just breathe.”

Alec closed his eyes, nodding, and took a deep breath, filling his lungs with much needed oxygen.

“With me,” Magnus continued, his soothing voice doing wonders for his nervousness, and he breathed hard and long, his fingers still stroking Alec’s hair. “Breathe in and out, with me.”

It took a few minutes but the writer finally calmed down, his breathing coming back to normal. Magnus didn’t let him go for a second, comforting him with kind words.

Alec let his head fall on the other man’s shoulder. “I’m such a mess,” he growled. “I can’t even deal with my own nerves.”

“Maybe there’s something we can do to help with that,” Magnus chimed in jokingly. Alec raised his head just in time to catch his wink.

He flushed, his cheeks suddenly burning before standing straight on his feet, looking up to meet Magnus’s eyes.

“Really?” he asked with false innocence. “Any specific ideas?”

“Well, we could try yoga,” Magnus raised his chin up, looking up at the ceiling in faked reflection, “but that bathroom is definitely too small.”

It wasn’t. The bathroom was huge.

“That’s a good way to relax,” Magnus continued. “Or you could write something, it always helps you relax.”

Alec didn’t react, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Or sex,” Magnus concluded. “Sex is very relaxing.”

Alec held his breath for a second, scrutinizing the other man’s face, looking for the hint of a joke but there was none, only a coy smirk on his lips. They had both agreed that what had happened a month ago was a one-time thing and it was alright with Alec. Their friendship hadn’t suffered from what he still called the “escapade out of the friendship road” in his head, Magnus was still one of his best friends, his regular confidant. He glanced down at his watch. Fifteen minutes.

“Sex sounds good,” he whispered but in the deafening silence that had been hovering between them, it sounded like a shout.

He lunged forward, forcing Magnus against the wall and crashing their lips together. The other man kissed back immediately, opening his mouth to grant him further access and the temperature seemed to raise immediately. He pulled away far too quickly for Alec’s liking but they didn’t have much time and they both knew it.

Magnus was already fidgeting with his leather belt eagerly, opening his pants and shoving a hand down his boxers. Alec moaned and Magnus muffled it with another passionate kiss that left his knees shaking.

“Shh,” his friend whispered against his lips. “We wouldn’t want to be interrupted.”

“Shit,” Alec murmured back against Magnus’s neck, sucking on his pulse point. “Why did we wait so long to do this again?”

The question surprised even himself.

“We’ll talk about this later.” Magnus pecked him lightly on the lips, chuckling when Alec quietly whined for more, but he did not oblige, instead turning him around so that he was against the wall and falling on his knees in front of him. Alec followed the movement with widened blue eyes.

“Magnus, you don’t have to –“

He was cut off by a finger in front of his lips.

“Shut up. Close your eyes and relax,” he replied huskily, looking up through his lashes. “And try to be quiet,” he added before pulling his erected member out of his boxers, opening his mouth immediately.

Alec bit his lips in an effort not to moan, letting his head fall against the wall.

.

He was panting heavily when Magnus rose back to his feet, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, a mischievous smirk playing on his lips. Magnus pulled his zipper back up, tightening the belt around his hips when Alec finally opened his eyes, looking up and straight into the green eyes.

“What are you doing?” he asked and his voice sounded rough to his own ears. “What about you? You haven’t –“

“Don’t worry about it,” Magnus interrupted, his wolfish grin still not leaving his handsome features. “You have to go and nail that speech.”

“But you –“

“You can return the favor later,” his friend stopped him again, winking smugly.

“Okay,” Alec breathed out. “I will.”

Magnus straightened his shirt and tried to comb Alec’s disheveled hair, in vain.

“Please tell me you didn’t leave a hickey this time,” the writer whispered, leaning forward to peck his lips. “I’m supposed to pose for pictures afterwards.”

“I did but too low for anyone to see… unless they are nude pictures, in which case I want a copy,” Magnus remarked and Alec felt his cheeks burn. “Now, go!”

Alec stepped out of the bathroom and ran back to the dining room, only slowing his steps to walk to his table.

His friends eyed him suspiciously.

“Panic attack,” he blurted out, which was partially true.

“Are you okay?” Isabelle asked eagerly, obviously worried. “Where’s Magnus? He went to find you.”

“He did,” Alec replied. “He’s the one who calmed me down but he stayed behind. He had to use the bathroom.”

He was getting really good at this lying thing. He wasn’t sure if it really was such a good thing.

At the corner of his eye, he saw Magnus walk back into the room just as Will Herondale was climbing on stage.

“Now,” the man stated loudly, eructing confidence, “it is my privilege and my honor to tell about this year’s Idris award laureate.”

The rest of his speech was just a blur. His friends were listening attentively, though, so he would just ask them later for a summary. He only came back to Earth when he heard Will chant his name and loud applauds erupted around him. Isabelle pulled him to his feet and he kissed her lightly on the cheek, slowly walking his way to the stage.

He took the award from Will’s hand, shaking his hand with a shy smile. It was just a piece of paper but he held on to it like it was the answer to all of the world’s mysteries.

He cleared in throat, stepping in front of the microphone. For a second, he was aware of nothing but the preying eyes watching him and he felt so small that his mind just blanked. He tried to remember his speech but nothing came and he just stood there staring at the crowd in front of him, unable to speak.

And then, someone whistled and the applause started again, bringing him back from his reverie. He narrowed his eyes and found Simon’s, his fingers in his mouth, whistling loudly. His friend gave him a reassuring smile and Alec remembered his advice. _I look for one of you_.

He let his gaze wander over their table, over the friendly faces, the encouraging smiles. He stepped forward.

“Thank you,” he breathed out with a smile, passing a nervous hand in his hair. “Thank you Will for the flattering words,” he added, turning back toward the smiling man at the foot of the stage, “it truly means a lot coming from you.”

His eyes immediately darted back to his friends. Isabelle was giving him a thumb up.

“Believe it or not, I haven’t always been this confident,” he joked. The chuckles that went through the room sent a wave of reassurance through his chest that he happily welcomed. “I was very shy and insecure growing up and writing allowed me to escape to an imaginary world that was mine only. My sister used to tell me all the time that if I lost myself too much into my books, I would end up losing touch with reality.” He cleared his tightened throat, willing himself not to let his emotion get the best of him. “Well, this sure feels very real.”

He winked at Isabelle, who was beaming at him like a maniac and turned his blue eyes to Jace who looked like a proud father at his son’s first football game.

“My siblings were my only friends back then besides my books and they were also the only thing anchoring me to reality. The thing is, as writers, we make stuff up, we get attached to imaginary characters, we thrive on things that are not authentic, that we can’t touch. Family can be an anchor,” he turned his eyes to Magnus, quoting his own words, “and that’s what they both have been to me. They compelled me to stay attached to reality and I don’t think I would have written novels that you found interesting enough to give me that award if it wasn’t for them. Because as much as we thrive on imaginary lands or characters, the feelings we put down on paper are very real.”

Alec paused for a second. This wasn’t at all the speech he had prepared with Aline but he was beyond caring at this point. Magnus was grinning at him, a comforting, encouraging smile that achieved more than any other relaxing techniques.

“I write about what I know,” he continued, standing straighter, facing the crowd with a new-found confidence. “And if I know anything, it’s because my family, whether they are by blood or by choice, often forces me to take other roads than the beaten paths and rather choose the less travelled ones, to always take risk in both life and literature, to overstep every day the limits I sometimes impose on myself.” He took a deep breath, darting his eyes over the crowd. “I am so glad that they are all here tonight so I can properly thank them for making me a better writer every day in their unconscious efforts of making me a better man.”

He had quite a piercing view from the room from where he was standing so he didn’t miss the way Clary was sniffing, happy tears running down her cheeks while Isabelle and Simon were both biting their bottom lip to avoid doing the same thing. He cleared his throat himself to get rid of the unshed tears in his eyes.

“I don’t know if I really deserve this award and if I don’t, I promise you I’ll do my best to be worthy of it in the years to come,” he stated openly. “Okay,” he breathed out, still high on adrenaline, “I really didn’t expect to be this long, I’m sorry. I just have to thank my agent, Aline Penhallow, who is probably going to kill me as soon as I step off this stage because I didn’t say a word from the speech we had written together.”

A wave of chuckles shacked the silence again, Aline’s own ecstatic laugh above everyone else’s.

“Sorry Aline, I love you, please don’t ever leave me,” he joked with an indolent smirk. “Thanks for sending my first novel to an editor without even telling me. Thank you all so very much for the privilege. I promise I’ll do my best to honor it in the future.”

He stepped away from the microphone and let out a deep breath, feeling like the weight of the world had just been taken off of his shoulders. His eyes widened when the room erupted in even louder applause and he felt the tears rise again. He dropped his head to mind the steps to get off the stage in an effort to hide them. Will was beaming at him and he put his arm around his shoulders, turning them both so that they faced the photographers. Alec posed, barely having to force himself to put a smile on his face. His mind was swimming in giddiness. He took the first opportunity he found to get away though, thanking Will and the reporters to find his way back to their table.

Alec didn’t have the time to say anything because Clary threw herself at him, embracing him tightly, quietly sobbing against his neck. The others quickly followed and he found himself stuck in a group hug, surrounded by love. The laugh he released was loud, sincere, carefree. Happy.

.

They all gathered afterwards at the Alto Bar, chatting loudly, commenting on whatever they could have missed from the evening, making fun of Alec for his sappy speech as if they hadn’t all been on the verge of crying. He had the worst friends. That was a lie but a little bit of humility could not hurt them.

He was sitting on a booth next to Simon, sipping his beer with a smile.

“It does help”, he stated out of the blue, for his ears only.

Simon turned to him, frowning. “What does?”

“Looking for one of you. Your advice, that’s what I did. I couldn’t talk. I was just frozen in shock and you whistled and I caught your eyes and everything was okay again.” Alec smiled the most genuine smile he could. “Thank you, Si.”

“Anytime. Does that mean I can kiss you now?”

Alec actually burst out laughing while his friend faked a hurt expression, a proud look on his face that ruined it all.

“Nope. Still not interested,” he chuckled, elbowing him gently.

“You’re breaking my heart,” Simon faked a cry, putting both his hands over his heart.

As if on cue, Magnus magically appeared, sliding in the booth in front of them next to Aline who was too busy making out with her girlfriend Helen to notice. His dark green suit was completely disheveled. He had loosened the jacket a while ago and his shirt was halfway unbuttoned, showing off the brown skin underneath. Alec caught himself staring.

“Izzy beat me,” he complained loudly to be heard over the music, slightly pouting.

“Of course she beat you, I told you she would,” Alec snorted. “I’m the only one who can beat her at darts.”

“I think she cheats,” Magnus mumbled, glaring at the offending victor who was animatedly chatting to Clary next to the billiard table where the latter had been playing with Jace for a while.

“Magnus, you can’t cheat at darts,” he rolled his eyes.

“Of course you can cheat at darts!” Magnus protested loudly. “I do it all the time!”

Simon and Alec both glared at him.

“What?” he exclaimed, apparently feeling insulted. “It’s funnier that way!”

Simon snorted. “Well, I guess you can’t really blame Izzy for cheating then, can you?”

“Oh, I’m not blaming her!” Magnus argued, firmly shaking his head. “I just want to know how she did it!”

“And you’ll never know,” Isabelle chimed in, slamming a chair in front of their table and straddling it, resting her elbows against the table.

She grabbed Alec’s beer and took a long gulp of it straight from the bottle, ignoring her brother’s protests.  Alec caught Simon staring at her exposed throat but remained silent, snatching his beer back from her before she could finish it. Because she would, he knew that for sure.

“She cheats when she writes down the points,” Aline intruded, having finally disconnecting herself from her girlfriend. “You’re just too drunk to notice.”

“Aline!” Isabelle protested while Magnus laughed triumphantly, pointing an accusing finger at her.

She stuck her tongue out at him but he was still grinning like a lunatic. Alec rolled his eyes.

If this was the family he had chosen for himself, he was beginning to question his life choices.

.

It was around four in the morning when Magnus and he separated from the other ones to go home, falling into steps together in the direction of their street.

“So are we going to talk about it?” Magnus asked after a moment of silence.

“We don’t have to if you don’t want to,” he replied with a soft voice. There was no need in pretending he didn’t know what Magnus was talking about.

“I want to,” his friend answered with conviction, “I don’t like the idea of not talking to you about something, especially if it is something so… inevitable.”

 Alec nodded. “I’ve been thinking tonight”, he admitted.

Magnus gazed at him expectantly. His gel hair was started to go away and he had a few locks falling into his green eyes. He had put his jacket back on when leaving but his shirt was still mostly unbuttoned, which was not helping Alec focus on the matter on their hands.

“Maybe we could make this a… regular thing,” he finally blurted out. “Not in a “no strings attached” way,” he quickly added, his face flushing slightly. “There’s obviously going to be strings attached since you’re one of my best friends but there’s no romantic love between us so we could make it work. Plus, we care about each other enough to part away without hard feelings if we don’t want to do it anymore.”

His brilliant idea was followed by a dead silence and he stopped walking, realizing that they had arrived in front of Magnus’s building.

“So,” he asked and there was a knot in his stomach he hadn’t thought was there before, “what do you think?”

“I think great minds think alike, I had the same idea,” Magnus replied with a smirk, grabbing the collar of his suit jacket to pull him inside the hallway of his building. “And I think you still owe me a favor.”

Alec burst into laughter, letting his friend push him against the elevator’s wall, crashing their mouths together.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for reading!
> 
> Any favorite parts? Or least favorite?
> 
> Next chapter will be posted on Monday!  
> Have a cookie to keep you waiting :  
>  _“I am taking everyone’s key back!” Magnus announced, throwing his arms up in irritation. “I can’t believe them!”_  
>  _“Can I keep mine?” Alec asked with a teasing smirk, stepping forward to reduce the distance between them._  
>  See you on Monday!
> 
> All the love,  
> L.  
> Ps : the chapter's title is from Creep by Radiohead.


	4. Take these broken wings and learn to fly

There was something exciting about keeping their casual relationship a secret from the others. They were all very close and they didn’t have many secrets from each other, mostly because what could have been a secret, they had lived together.

Really thinking about it, it was the first time Alec actually hid something from his siblings and he felt both guilty and completely free. They didn’t have to know everything about his personal life, even less his sexual life.

It was exciting because it was both secret and new. They were still discovering each other’s bodies, the secret spots that left them giddy, swimming in their own trembling thoughts. Magnus had had a lot of fun when he had found out about Alec’s weakness, his oversensitive chin strap. Magnus had a lot of weaknesses, which was even more enjoyable for Alec.

In front of their friends, it was all about stolen glances, guarded smiles, concealed winks. In the privacy of either his or Magnus’s bedroom, it was something else entirely.

Alec was no virgin, and neither was Magnus but what made the whole experience so passionate and explosive was the strong bond they had already shared before. There was a definite, set on stone trust between them that allowed them to be confident around each other, to actually demand it when they wanted something, to be completely and utterly shameless. Alec had never known sex could feel this way, that you could abandon yourself totally to someone else without a second of hesitation.

It was two weeks after the award show and Alec was shaving in his bathroom while Magnus hummed a Lady Gaga song under the shower when he narrowed his eyes in front of the mirror and swore, opening the curtains to glare at the other man heatedly. Magnus jumped, surprised, before eyeing him up and down. He was only wearing a pair of black boxers and he still held the razor in his right hand. Alec didn’t let himself check his friend out, pushing the thought away.

“Damn it, Magnus!” he grumbled sharply at his lover, pointing to his own neck. “We said no visible marks! How am I going to explain this to Aline?”

Magnus smirked, a teasing drag of his appealing lips. “Well, you can always say you fell on your neck again but it didn’t really work out the first time.”

“Magnus!” Alec almost whined, glaring at him.

He actually laughed out loud, throwing his head back. With the water still running over his naked body, it was a very distracting view.

“Come on,” he giggled. “It’s no big deal! Just say that you’ve been seeing that guy from the bar again.”

Alec considered it and put his razor back onto the sink to cross his arms over his chest. “Yeah, that could actually work,” he mumbled. “I’m getting a bit worried about how disconcertingly good you are at lying. Should I?”

“Well I have to keep some things to myself if I want to keep surprising you,” Magnus snickered with a teasing smile that quickly turned predatory as he lightly slipped his long fingers along Alec’s arm. “But I can assure you, you’re going to like every one of my mysteries.”

His voice was like honey, sweet and tempting, and it sent a wave of shivers down his spine.

“Magnus, don’t,” Alec warned, trying to sound firm and failing miserably. “I have to meet Aline at her office in an hour.”

Magnus puffed indignantly. “That’s more than enough time for me to show you at least one of my secrets,” he said, pulling an obedient Alec in the shower with him, “and twice,” he added against his lips.

Alec made a sound at the back of his throat that was both a snort and a moan, biting mechanically on Magnus’s bottom lip.

“I’ll just tell her I was abducted by aliens,” he whispered against his mouth before stepping out of his wet boxers, dropping them on the bathroom floor.

“Totally believable,” Magnus nodded approvingly.

.

He managed to arrive no more than ten minutes late, smashing the door of Aline’s office open, breathing hard. She was sitting behind her desk with her arms crossed, narrowing her brown eyes at his spectacular entrance.

“You’re late,” she reprimanded him.

“Sorry,” he panted, breathing heavily. “I missed the alarm.”

Aline snorted, obviously not believing him. “You have a little something there,” she stated sarcastically, pointing to her own neck.

Alec flushed and darted his head away from her preying eyes.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” she asked and there was obvious excitement in her voice even though she tried to play it cool.

“No!” he almost yelled back, taking his seat in the leather chair in front of her desk.

She raised an eyebrow skeptically, sending him a skeptical gaze.

“It’s not… serious,” he admitted reluctantly. “Anyway, it’s nothing worth talking about. What did they think of the first draft?”

Aline breathed out a small laugh. “They loved it, obviously. They want you to have a look at their notes and if you agree with their input, you have the green light to write the full thing.”

Alec let out a relieved sigh even though Magnus had been telling him for a week that there was no way it could go wrong, especially not with the award he had won two weeks prior. Still, his anxiety usually got the best of him.

He grinned at Aline who smiled back, leaning forward.

“So… Seriously, who is that guy?” she inquired eagerly, her smirk turning wolfish.

“Just some guy I met a while ago at the Alto,” he repeated carefully the lie Magnus had come up with this morning.

“And when did you see him again?”

He slouched further into his chair, sighing. “About two weeks ago.” He figured the closer he stayed from the truth, the least chance he had to get caught. “Anyway, how about you? How is it going with Helen ? My sexual life is really not interesting.”

That was probably the biggest lie he had said so far, he pondered to himself, feeling his cheeks heat up.

“Alright, I guess,” she sighed. “We don’t see each other much these days, she’s working the night shift at the station and I’m here all day long so most of the time when I get home, she’s already gone.”

“Maybe you should both take a few days off,” Alec suggested. “Go away for a week. You deserve it.”

Aline nodded tiredly. “You’re damn right I do, dealing with idiots like yourself,” she joked.

“Shut up, you know I’m your favorite client,” he replied with a smirk.

“Yeah, you are. Just don’t tell the other ones,” she acknowledged.

She was about to say something else but her cell phone rang and she picked it up immediately. The conversation was brief and she quickly hung up, glancing back up at him.

“Speaking of idiots, I’m sorry,” she sighed, “I have to go. Duty calls.”

Alec nodded, rising to his feet, grabbing his messenger bag and the annotated printed manuscript of his first draft that she held out to him.

“I’ll see you later. Tell Helen I said hi,” he kissed her on the cheek, turning on his heels to walk out.

“Alec!”

He turned around, his hand on the doorknob, facing her.

“You’re a terrible liar”, she stated knowingly and for a second, he wondered what she knew exactly but did not let himself worry about it. She worked for him after all and she was sworn to secrecy.  On principle, he still showed her his middle finger before leaving, her laugh resonating in his ears all the way to the elevator.

.

He was working on his laptop that evening, slumped on his couch, going over the notes on his manuscript when his phone biped loudly, Simon’s name appearing on the screen.

 _Can I come over? I need to talk to you_ , the text said.

He quickly typed an answer. _Sure. Can you please bring coffee? I’m out and I need a shot. Is everything alright?_

_Yeah. And I don’t know. I’ll be there in 20._

Alec frowned worryingly, dropping his phone back on the coffee table. Twenty minutes later, there was a knock on his door and he put his laptop down, rising from the couch to open the front door.

Simon looked like he had not been sleeping in days.

“You look like shit,” he blurted out bluntly, stepping away so that he could come in.

“Thanks, man,” Simon answered, his voice heavy with sarcasm, holding out the coffee bag. “I already feel better.”

“What’s wrong?” Alec asked, gesturing toward the kitchen.

He immediately put the coffee machine on, Simon following closely behind him.

“You know I have a girlfriend, right? Alice?” Simon sighed deeply.

Alec nodded, raising a questioning eyebrow.

“She’s great. She’s witty, and smart, and beautiful and Jewish, so obviously my Mom loves her,” he listed out, as if he had forgotten about all of that before. “And I should love her too.”

Alec hummed positively, grabbing two mugs and clogged them with coffee. The first sip burned his throat but filled him with a deep sense of content.

“And you don’t?” he asked, observing carefully as Simon shook his head no. “Why not?”

“Because she’s not your sister,” Simon whispered back, taking his head between his hands.

Alec did a double take, bewildered by the confession. “What?” he blurted out, his eyes widening almost comically.

“God, I’m such an idiot,” Simon grunted, louder. “She dumped me, what? Three years ago? And I’m still hung up on her like a love-sick puppy. I’m pathetic.”

“Hey, now, cut yourself some slack,” Alec exclaimed. “You can’t change the way you feel.”

“I should, though.”

He took some time to actually ponder what to say next. He knew Isabelle would kill him if she learnt that he had repeated a single word of the conversation they had had a while ago. But he took a long, meticulous glance at the man sitting in front of him and he just had to do something. Simon looked like he bore the weight of the world on his shoulder.

“Maybe you shouldn’t,” he stated firmly and it was probably the tone rather than the words themselves that pushed Simon to gaze back up at him, frowning.

“What do you mean?”

It was too late to take it back and he didn’t want to anyway.

“I don’t think you should try to change the way you feel,” he explained carefully. “Not when I’m fairly certain that Izzy feels the same.”

He watched as Simon’s face went through a whole range of different expressions, from shock to doubt to hope. It all happened in a second but in that second, his face was so open and he seemed so vulnerable that Alec almost regretted saying anything in the first place. Finally, Simon stooped his shoulders with a deep sigh, shaking his head.

“You don’t have to make stuff up to make me feel better, Alec,” he groaned but his tone was just tired, devoid of any heat. “I appreciate it, but please don’t do that.”

“I’m not making stuff up”, Alec assured with a small smile. “She more or less told me that she had feelings for you.”

This time, his face was only hopeful. “What? When? What did she say?”

Alec groaned, taking his face in his hands. “She’s going to kill me.”

“I’ll protect you,” Simon pledged but it was not reassuring in the slightest. Isabelle could easily kill them both if she wanted too. “Please, Alec. I need to know.”

Alec sighed. It was too late anyway.

“She freaked out because of that girlfriend of yours,” he confessed reluctantly. “She heard from Clary that you had introduced them and she thought it meant it was serious between you and Alice. So she was jealous.”

“Jealous?” Simon echoed in surprise. “Does Isabelle not know how amazing she is? How could she be jealous of anyone?”

Alec let a warm smile out at that.

“She’s not jealous of Alice as a person, she’s jealous of her as your girlfriend. I think it helped her realize she had real feelings for you.”

Simon nodded carefully, taking it all in. The silence stretched for a while but it was comfortable. Alec let his friend the time to gather his thoughts and look at things in a new perspective. He was okay with staying quiet while he did that.

Finally, Simon looked up and smiled at him.

“Thanks, Alec.”

“Anytime,” he replied with a casual wave. “Can I ask you something, though?”

“Of course, anything,” Simon nodded firmly, his face completely open.

“Why did you come to me? Why not go to Jordan or Clary?” he asked, leaning against the kitchen’s counter, taking a long sip of coffee. “I mean, Izzy is my sister but that doesn’t make me the best person to go to for advices concerning your relationship with her.”

Simon frowned, disbelief evident on his face.

“Well, you’re kind of my best friend,” he replied as if it was the clearest thing in the world but he did seem embarrassed. “I don’t know, I just wanted to talk to you about it. I know you don’t judge me even when it has to do with Izzy. It seemed evident.”

Alec grinned despite himself, hiding it behind his cup. It was a nice feeling, having someone who wanted to talk to you before anyone else, to hear your opinion and actually listen.

“God, you’re so sappy,” he blurted out instead of saying any of that.

“Fuck off,” Simon glared at him, showing him his middle finger.

“Come on,” Alec added, gesturing toward the living room. “Let’s watch a movie.”

He walked away, still grinning.

“I know you think it was a sweet confession,” Simon called out, following him. “You’re just scared that you might want to kiss me after all.”

Alec snorted, rolling his eyes. “Never going to happen, Si. Never.”

.

They had decided to have a lazy Sunday morning. Alec still felt sore and drained out from the night before. Magnus had showed him some of his other secrets and it had been totally worth it but now, he was just exhausted. He found comfort in the fact that his lover was in no way in better shape than himself. Magnus was laying on his back next to him, only moving to stretch like a cat in a way that would have been tempting if he wasn’t so worn out. They had thus fallen under a tacit agreement to just spend the morning in bed, both half naked, sometimes chatting softly but mainly relaxing.

It had been quiet for a while and Alec was slowly drifting back to sleep when they heard the front door of the apartment open. At first, they were both too tired to react but their eyes widened in perfect sync when Clary’s voice resonated in the loft, quickly followed by Simon’s, calling out Magnus’s name.

Alec quickly sat up, glancing at the taller man in panic.

“What do I do?” Magnus whispered which really didn’t help tempering his dread.

“I don’t know!” Alec murmured back, his voice as low as humanly possible.

“Magnus!” Simon’s voice yelled again.

“They’re coming that way!” Alec stood from the bed, looking for the clothes he had discarded over the room the night before.

“Alec, bathroom!” Magnus muttered, pointing to the adjacent room and it was almost funny the way his tone managed to be so low but so strong at the same time.

Alec ran into the bathroom as instructed, just as Magnus rose from the bed, wearing nothing but his boxers, going for the bedroom door.

“I’m here, I’m here!” he exclaimed, sounding annoyed.

Alec did his best to slow his breathing, scared he would bring attention to himself.

“What are you doing here?” he heard Magnus ask with an irritated voice.

“God, put some clothes on!” Simon complained loudly.

“You’re the ones who show up here on a Sunday morning uninvited. I’ll wear clothes if I want to!”

Alec snorted quietly, rolling his eyes.

“So, what do you want?”

Clary sounded definitely upset when she spoke, loud and clear. “We were supposed to meet for lunch at Taki’s!” she almost yelled. “You didn’t show up and you didn’t answer your phone! We thought something might have happened to you! Alec didn’t turn up either and he’s also not answering our calls and Izzy and Jace are at his apartment and he’s not there. We don’t know where he is and I’m freaking out!”

She had fully yelled the last words and Alec could imagine her fierce glare. He gulped and grimaced, silently banging his head against the bathroom’s wall. They had completely forgotten about lunch.

“I’m sorry Clary,” Magnus said softly. “As you can see, I’m alright. I was just asleep.”

“It’s one in the afternoon,” Simon’s voice replied, sounding incredulous.

“I had a long week,” Magnus replied automatically.

Simon laughed and there was the sound of fabric rubbing together before he spoke again, his voice suddenly sounding much closer. Alec held his breath.

“By the state of your bed, it rather looks like you had a long night,” he stated lightheartedly.

“We are not here to discuss Magnus’s sex life!” Clary blurted out and Alec was very grateful. “Alec is still missing!”

“Alec is not missing,” Magnus retorted calmly and the writer gasped silently. “Maybe he had a busy night himself. I’m sure he’s fine.”

Fortunately, there was no teasing in his voice. He allowed himself to sigh quietly.

“What if he’s not?” Clary shouted again and she sounded very exasperated.

“I’m going to try calling him again,” Simon announced, calmer.

Alec widened his eyes and had the stupid reflex to look for his phone in his pocket but he was wearing nothing but boxers and his phone was still in the back pocket of the jeans he had carelessly thrown down Magnus’s bed the night before.

“Can you do that from the kitchen?” Magnus blurted out and he sounded nonplussed for the first time since they had showed up. “I need a coffee.”

“Hey, hey, alright!” Simon’s voice protested as Magnus pushed them out of the bedroom.

The door slammed loudly and Alec jumped out of the bathroom, looking for his jeans. Magnus had pushed them under the bed and he grabbed them hastily before running back to his hiding place. He barely had the time to close the door before it started vibrating with a new call, Simon’s picture coming up on his screen. Alec waited until it was dropped to check his notifications. He had 27 missed calls and no less than 41 texts. They were all from either his siblings, Clary or Simon. He had put it on silent mode the night before and had completely forgotten about it.

He pondered for a second and shot a quick text, sending it to his five friends, not leaving Magnus out because that would just look even more suspicious.

 _I’m alright_ , he wrote quickly. _I didn’t sleep at home last night and I’m still there now. Stop worrying about me, I’m a grown-up man! Sorry about missing lunch. xxx_

He heard Clary yell of relief when she got the notification but couldn’t distinguished a word out.

 _I am going to slaughter you, I was worried sick_ , was the first reply he got and he could have recognized his sister’s prose without the name coming up.

It took at least ten more minutes before he heard the bedroom door open again. There was a knock on the bathroom door.

“They’re gone,” Magnus growled, obviously annoyed.

Alec released a deep relieved breath and threw the door open. His heart was racing, his pulse throbbing in his ears.

“I am taking everyone’s key back!” Magnus announced, throwing his arms up in irritation. “I can’t believe them!”

“Can I keep mine?” Alec asked with a teasing smirk, stepping forward to reduce the distance between them.

Magnus observed him quietly, taking in the darkening eyes, the predatory posture and could not help but grin too, shaking his head in disbelief.

“Are you seriously turned on right now?” he asked in amazement.

“Maybe,” Alec replied mischievously, grabbing at his lover’s hips. “And for once, I might need a few marks to justify my night out.”

“I thought you were tired,” Magnus whispered, sliding his arms around his waist.

“You were misinformed.”

He brought his lips to his in a slow, languid kiss that quickly turned more passionate, gently pushing him toward the bed. Magnus let him willingly.

.

Alec was walking quickly, trying to navigate his way between the people moving around him. Christmas was approaching and a lot of them were probably out for late presents, just like he was. He was late and for once, he could not blame Magnus for that. He had been absorbed in his writing all morning and hadn’t seen the time run. When he had looked up from his laptop, it was already past one in the afternoon and he had promised Isabelle he’d meet her so they could both finish their Christmas presents. It was a good thing she was even less punctual than him because when he finally made it to the small coffee shop where they had agreed to meet, she was not there yet.

He was checking his phone for messages when she appeared in front of him. She was wearing a long beige coat belted around her waist and her long hair was half hidden by a winter hat. Her cheeks were flushed because of the cold.

“Sorry I’m late,” she panted. “Have you been waiting long?”

Alec shook his head no and let her hook her arm with his as they walked in the direction of an art shop where they hoped to find something for Clary. They were strolling along the alleys, Alec eyeing cautiously a Basquiat reproduction that he thought the redhead would like when Isabelle came to a stop, pulling him back with her.

“How many inhabitants in New York?” she asked, obvious shock on her features.

Alec frowned, not understanding where this was coming from.

“About eight and a half millions,” he replied because he couldn’t help himself.

“Then how come that we manage to run into Dad here?” Isabelle whispered.

Alec froze, his eyes following hers to find that, indeed, his father was standing a few feet away from them with a tall blonde woman. He was laughing and Alec felt a wave of anger go through him and it was irrational, he knew, to get so mad just because someone else looked happy. He was still trying to deal with the disappointment his father was. He was still thinking about it every day, trying to figure out some way to either make it better or make it go away. And to see him like that, laughing freely, seeming happier than he had ever seen him, it felt like a betrayal and his heart clenched painfully. Why was it that the person that caused him so much sorrow could go on living like it had no importance?

Alec was about to turn around and run away when Robert, probably feeling the staring, turned his head and saw them standing there. He gasped visibly and glanced quickly at the woman next to him, before spinning back toward his children, obviously worry on his face. Alec knew immediately and it did nothing to temper his fury, not when he had been on the receiving end of so many moralist speeches from that man in his younger years. He squinted his eyes in aversion, staring at his father and seeing a stranger.

Finally, Robert said a few words to the woman, who nodded, and walked toward them. Isabelle tightened her hold on her brother’s arm protectively.

“Isabelle. Alexander,” Robert saluted them sternly, trying his best to compose himself.

“Dad,” they replied in perfect sync.

“Doing Christmas shopping?” he asked.

Isabelle nodded positively but none of them spoke a word.

“Yeah, me too,” their father told them and he seemed nervous for probably the first time of his life.

Alec snorted darkly, lowering his eyebrows. “Christmas shopping? Is that what you want to call her?” he snarled coldly, pointing his chin to the blond woman who was now talking on the phone.

Isabelle gasped next to him but he ignored her, completely blinded by a rage he had tried to suppress for too long.

“Alexander!” Robert scolded and he sounded like he had when they were children and Alec had taken the blame for whatever stupid thing Jace had done, because he was the eldest brother and that was what he did.

“Don’t try to deny it,” Alec continued and his voice was pure poison. “I know that look on your face. You’re ashamed. You know why I know that look? Because that’s the one I sported for years because you made me believe I had to feel guilty for being different.”

“It’s not the same thing,” his father spat out angrily, narrowing his eyes.

“No, it’s not,” Alec replied, calmer, standing taller on his feet.

He was not going to let himself be impressed and belittled by that man anymore.

“It’s not because at least, I’m not lying about who I am. You’re cheating on Mom and then you act all virtuous and actually have the nerves to lecture people about moral and ethics when you have none yourself.”

Robert tried to talk but Alec cut him off, letting a humorless laugh out, shaking his head in disbelief.

“And to think I actually made myself sick because I just wanted you to be proud of me. You made me feel futile and trivial. You made me think there really was something wrong with me. I don’t know how you can look at yourself in a mirror and not be disgusted by who you are.”

The words were violent but there was no stopping him now that he had started. Next to him, Isabelle was nodding along and she glowed with a perfectly matching fierceness. Robert looked bewildered and Alec could understand him. He had never really rebelled. He had always been the quiet, shut off kid who only opened up to his siblings, who only did crazy things when he was forced into them and usually took the blame for it because of his protective instincts.

“But most of all,” he continued, “I don’t know how I could let you have so much power on how I see myself. You are not worthy of the care I had for your opinion until today. And you are without doubt not worth my self-esteem.”

The silence that followed his outburst was deafening.

There were moments, in life, which defined who you were as a person. This was one of them. Alec felt like a new man, like he had woken up from a long dream to open his eyes and realize that nothing was as it seemed. It was a violent feeling, more powerful than anything he had been through before. But it was also liberating and it was the best feeling he had ever experienced.

His father was about to answer when the blonde woman came over cautiously.

“Robert,” she said carefully and her voice was kind. Alec hated it. “Is everything alright? Who are these people?”

The silence stretched for a second longer before Isabelle cleared her throat.

“No one,” she stated with finality. “We’re no one.”

She stood with her chin up, refusing to back down, and there was a fierce sense of protectiveness that transpired out of her. Alec felt a wave of unfailing and immeasurable love burst in his chest.

“Let’s go, Ann,” Robert finally blurted out, darting his eyes away from his children.

He turned around and stepped out of the shop, never looking back.

.

There was a long silence between them afterwards. They went on with their shopping. Alec bought the Basquiat reproduction and they left the shop, going back on the cold streets. Snow had started to fall, enveloping New York in a white coat.

“You never told me,” Isabelle finally blurted out with a thoughtful frown.

“Tell you what?” Alec asked, pulling the collar of his winter jacket up over the blue scarf Magnus had offered him as a joke, claiming cheerfully that it would “hide all the hickeys”.

 “That you were so affected by Dad’s… disapproval,” she explained.

He took a deep breath, sliding an arm around her shoulder as they kept wandering.

“It gets better with time,” he confessed with a rough voice. “But yeah, it wasn’t easy at first.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered and she looked ashamed, her dark brown eyes filled with honesty. “I didn’t know it affected you so much. I would have done something. I would have helped.”

Alec held an incredulous snicker back. She sounded just like Jace.

“You did, Izzy. So did Jace. Of course you helped. You and Jace, you –“

He had to stop himself, breathing hard to pull himself back together.

“I don’t know what I would have done if it wasn’t for your support, Izzy,” Alec admitted lowly, for her ears only. “You and Jace, you never judged me. You didn’t question me, you just accepted me completely and without restraint. That’s all I needed.”

Isabelle nodded and stepped forward, embracing him tightly. He closed his arms around her almost mechanically.

“I love you,” she mumbled against his chest.

“I love you too,” he whispered back, dropping a kiss at the top of her head.

.

They had not planned on seeing each other that night and he hadn’t heard from Magnus all day long but Alec still took the direction to his apartment. After the afternoon he had had and the emotional charge, he needed some comfort.

He turned his key in the door and called out for Magnus but got no reply. He stepped in the corridor leading to the bedroom and finally heard noises coming from the bathroom. He knocked before pushing the door open, sliding his head in.

Magnus was laying in his bath and he looked up, forcing a smile on his face that didn’t reach his eyes. He had a glass of a dark-browned liquid in his left hand and he looked sad, so sad that Alec felt his heart skip a beat. It was so unusual for Magnus who was always so joyful and happy. He frowned, fully coming in.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, kneeling next to the bathtub.

“Nothing,” Magnus whispered back, in a shaky, wobbly voice that broke his heart.

“Magnus, come on,” Alec took his free hand, squeezing it tightly. “Talk to me.”

His lover sighed, closing his eyes and dropping his head on the edge of the bathtub.

“Today is the anniversary of my parents’ death,” he confessed, refusing to meet Alec’s eyes. “So I’m really not going to be great company tonight. You don’t have to stay.”

Alec didn’t have to think for a second. He rose to his feet and took his clothes off, discarding them on the floor without a care. He turned back to Magnus, who still had his eyes closed, and patted his shoulder lightly.

“Come on, move forward,” he ordered gently and Magnus glanced up in surprise, eyeing him up and down. “Make some room for me.”

Magnus hesitated for a second before he obliged, sitting up. Alec slide into the bath behind him, grateful that his friend was a diva enough to want one big enough to fit the both of them. He slipped his arms around Magnus’s waist, pulling him back against his chest and he felt the other man relax gradually, dropping his head against his shoulder.

“It’s silly, really,” Magnus whispered, gazing into the amber liquid in his glass, clicking the rings on his finger against it. “They weren’t exactly the most loving parents.”

“They were still your parents,” Alec answered, lightly kissing the shoulder he had access to.

“I don’t think I cry for my parents,” Magnus admitted erratically and it was just a figure of speech because his cheeks were dry of any tears. “I think I cry for the parents they could have been.”

Oh, how Alec knew the feeling. He kissed his shoulder again and tightened his hold against Magnus’s waist, caressing his hip with his thumb in a gesture that he hoped was comforting.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Any favorite or least favorite parts? Let me know! ;)
> 
> Next chapter will be posted on Wednesday!  
> Have a cookie to keep you waiting:  
>  _“This,” Jace stated slowly, but with a firm tone, “is an intervention.”_  
>  _Alec frowned. “An intervention?”_  
>  _“For the record, I’d like to inform everyone that I was fully against this,” Simon chimed in unhelpfully._  
>  _“So was I,” Magnus growled from his spot against the wall._
> 
> See you Wednesday (if I survive tomorrow's episode, I can't promise anything)!
> 
> All the love,  
> L.
> 
> Ps : Chapter's title is from Blackbird by the Beatles.


	5. We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a friendly reminder that English is STILL not my native language and I learned it in England. I tried to americanize my vocabulary as much as possible but sometimes London gets the best of me :)
> 
> Thanks for the support and happy reading!

 

Christmas passed. Alec had celebrated it with Jace and Isabelle at his place while Magnus had gone upstate at Ragnor’s parents and Simon and Clary had both done it with their respective families. Alec had called his mother and she had sounded on the verge of tears when he had told her that, no, he would not come to have dinner with them but she had eventually understood when he had explained he could not see his father.

Christmas had passed and soon followed New Year’s Eve.

Magnus never needed an excuse to throw a party but this was the perfect occasion for him so they were gathered in his crowded apartment, loud music blasting at every corner.

Alec was chatting happily with Clary next to the window and Jace was nowhere to be seen which was uncommon enough to be pointed out. Usually, where Clary went, Jace went too, drawn to her like a moth on a flame. She was telling him about her new art project, something about the four seasons, and he nodded along, smiling at her eagerness but he kept an eye on Magnus at the other side of the room.

Magnus was always the heart of a party, even more when he was the one organizing it. He even managed to throw shadow on Jace because he did it effortlessly whereas his adoptive brother usually had very inventive and remarkable ways of drawing the attention to him. Magnus had a natural aura surrounding him that drew people to him. Maybe it was the way he moved like he had a purpose, like he always knew exactly where he was going and why. Maybe it was just that he was different, unique and quite magical. He was currently circled by a small group of people, talking animatedly and they all seemed to be hanging on his every word. Ragnor was standing next to him laughing. His blond hair looked almost white in the dim light and it actually suited him pretty well, perfectly matching his pale skin.

Magnus caught his gaze across the room and winked at him playfully. Alec grinned and shook his head, turning his attention back to Clary just as Jace reappeared, smiling sappily at his girlfriend, swaying on his feet.

“Babe,” he called out. “I’m sorry to tell you that but your best friend is a jerk.”

“What did Simon do now?” Clary asked, an amused smile on her lips.

“Izzy and he teamed up to beat me at Flip Cup so I lost,” Jace grumbled. “And now I’m drunk.”

Alec smirked, glancing over at Simon and Isabelle who were leaning toward each other and obviously engrossed into whatever conversation they were having. Simon had broken up with his girlfriend a while before Christmas but he didn’t think Isabelle knew about it. He darted his eyes away when people started shouting the countdown to midnight. The room soon exploded into cheers and he found himself being hugged by Clary, then Jace as they wished him a happy new year.

He looked back to where Simon and Isabelle had been standing a minute ago and they were still there, their lips locked in a passionate kiss. He smiled to himself, glad they had figured it out eventually.

Needing the bathroom, he stepped away from his brother and his girlfriend and walked through the corridor that lead to Magnus’s room out of habit, not wanting to use the main bathroom. He was about to close the bedroom door behind him when he felt a shadow move in his back. He didn’t have the time to turn around before his arm was grabbed and he found himself slammed against the door and thoroughly kissed. Magnus smelled like alcohol and sandalwood and it was enough to make him dizzy with desire. He kissed back eagerly, grabbing at his hips.

Magnus eventually pulled back, too soon for his liking and beamed at him.

“Happy New Year Alexander!” he exclaimed happily.

“Happy New Year,” he echoed with an identical grin.

Magnus pecked his lips again and released him, going back to the main room.

This year sure started well, Alec thought with a smile.

.

The party had lasted until the first morning lights. Alec had used the perfect excuse of stalling behind to help clean up to stay with Magnus without raising suspicion among his friends. Jace had been too drunk to care anyway, Clary too busy babysitting him and Isabelle and Simon too engrossed in each other to bother asking questions. They had rested until well after noon.

They were now slouched on Magnus’s couch, having finally finished brushing, disinfecting and cleaning every corner of the apartment, watching TV in comfortable silence. Alec was pondering on taking a nap when Magnus turned his head toward him with a teasing smile that always send shivers down his spine.

“You know what?” he asked with an amused voice.

“No?” Alec inquired, raising a questioning eyebrow.

“We haven’t had sex in 2015 yet,” Magnus informed him with a smirk.

Alec laughed, loud and happy, throwing his head back.

“Well, this is an injustice that must be remedied urgently,” he chimed in wittily.

He slid toward him, straddling his lap and brushing their lips together teasingly.

“Or maybe we should both take a New Year resolution to stop jumping each other at every occasion,” he whispered, mischief evident in his voice.

“That’s fine with me,” Magnus muttered back, his fingers already working on unbuttoning his lover’s shirt. “I always break them on the first day anyway.”

He closed the gap between them, fully kissing him and Alec kissed back fervently, guiding his hands under Magnus’s shirt, stroking all the naked skin he could find while the latter finished unbuttoning his shirt, pushing it down his shoulders. They were so absorbed in each other that they didn’t hear the front door open.

“Oh my God!”

They pulled away hastily and turned toward the voice in perfect sync. Simon was standing in the entrance, gaping at them, complete astonishment on his face.

“Shit,” Alec whispered. “I thought you had taken their keys back!” he added louder, speaking to Magnus but still looking at Simon. It occurred to him that he was still straddling Magnus’s lap, half naked, but he couldn’t move, frozen in shock.

“I still have mine,” Simon answered matter-of-factly, his brown eyes still widened behind his glasses. “I-I forgot my phone last night,” he stuttered. “What is happening?”

.

Alec and Magnus had eventually tear from each other and they were now standing in front of the couch where Simon was sitting, his eyes lost into space, a light frown bringing his glasses lower on his nose.

“So,” he blurted out finally, “how long have you two been dating?”

He was crossing his arms but apart from that, he didn’t look judging or upset.

“We’re not,” Alec answered, passing a nervous hand in his disheveled hair.

Simon glared at him. “I literally just caught you making out and if I had come in five minutes later, I’d probably have been scarred for life so there’s no point for you to keep lying to me.”

“Alec is not lying,” Magnus intervened gently, sharing a quick glance with his lover. “We’re not dating. We’re just… sleeping together.”

Simon gaped at them, a permanent astonished look in his brown eyes.

“How long has this been going on?” he asked louder.

In any other situation, Alec would have laughed at how clueless his friend looked.

“The first time was about two months ago. It’s been a regular thing for a month,” he confessed fretfully, putting his hands in his pockets just to have something to do with them.

Simon nodded carefully then his eyes widened again. Alec shared a look with Magnus, who was smirking lightly, obviously amused by the palette of emotions their friend was going through. Alec elbowed him softly, scolding.

Simon glanced back up, pointing an accusatory finger at Magnus. “You’re the guy he met at the bar, the mysterious one who keeps giving him hickeys!”

“Yep,” Magnus confirmed casually while Alec flushed, his cheeks burning. “I do like his neck.”

He elbowed him again, tougher this time. Magnus made a sound at the back of his throat, between a laugh and a cry of pain.

“Does anyone know?” Simon asked again. Alec wondered if he was ever going to run out of questions.

“No,” he answered. “And we’d appreciate it if you could keep it that way.”

“Come on!” Simon exclaimed. “You can’t ask me to lie! I’m a terrible liar!”

“So am I,” Alec argued. “Please, Si.”

“Oh, don’t Si me right now!” he grunted. “And you’re definitely not that bad of a liar since – ”

He was about to go on but he cut himself off, his eyes broadening again.

“I think he’s going to have a stroke,” Magnus whispered for Alec’s ears only. “He keeps doing that.”

“When we were supposed to have lunch at Taki’s,” Simon remembered, sporting astonishingly accusingly eyes, “and you both didn’t show up… You were together!”

Alec could almost see the wheels in his brain turning at a million miles per second, as he worked on putting everything together.

“Yes,” Magnus and he admitted in perfect sync.

“Oh my God,” Simon repeated for what seemed to be the hundredth time, looking at them both critically and shockingly. “You were still there,” he added pointing at Alec before darting back to Magnus. “That’s why you were so jumpy and so eager to throw us out!”

Alec flushed again and this time, even Magnus actually looked taken aback, biting his lip shamefully.

“I was hiding in the bathroom,” the writer admitted grudgingly, his shoulders slumping in embarrassment.

Simon snorted and there was actual humor in it hence their heads snapping back to look him in a perfect synchronized movement, both raising a questioning eyebrow.

“That’s just so cliché,” Simon mocked with a small laugh.

He seemed to relax all of a sudden, stretching his arms out on the couch and staring at the awkward couple in front of him with amused eyes.

“This is so weird,” he quipped. “Izzy is going to freak out when she finds out.”

“You can’t tell her!” Alec exclaimed promptly. “You can’t tell anyone!”

Simon let out a deep sigh, shaking his head in obvious exasperation. “I won’t, I promise” he breathed out. “But you should know that eventually, someone else is going to find out.”

“Not if we’re careful,” Alec answered with assurance.

“And we have you now,” Magnus added with a smirk. “You can cover for us.”

Simon was about to protest but he took a look at Alec’s pleading eyes and Magnus’s daring ones and shook his head, defeated.

“Can I have a cool code name? Like the Guardian of the Gays?” he inquired instead.

Alec snorted, rolling his eyes.

“I’m not gay,” Magnus unhelpfully put out. “You can be the Straight Shield.”

“Put Splendid instead of Straight and you’ve got yourself a deal,” Simon witted, smirking.

.

An hour later, Alec was sitting next to Simon on the couch while Magnus rummaged in a kitchen to make coffee. Simon had asked more questions but eventually, he had settled down and stopped thoughtfully scratching his head. He peeked toward the kitchen and turned to Alec, lowering his voice.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” he asked carefully, frowning.

“What?” Alec replied on the same tone, not sure why they were whispering. “Magnus and I?”

Simon nodded.

“Don’t make a big deal out of it,” Alec sighed. “We’re both content with this relationship.”

“I just don’t want either of you to get hurt,” Simon grunted.

“We won’t,” Alec assured. “We know what we’re doing.”

“Do you, though?” his friend questioned skeptically.

“What is that supposed to mean?” he growled unhappily.

“Hey!” Simon protested, raising both his hands defensively. “I’m just worried about you.”

“There’s nothing to worry about,” Alec argued. “It’s Magnus, he would never hurt me and you know I would never hurt him either.”

“You can hurt someone without realizing it,” Simon pleaded.

“Oh God,” Alec let out an exasperated growl. “See? That’s exactly why I didn’t want any of you to know! You act like we’re children making a rushed decision. We’ve talked about it, we’re both adults. There’s nothing wrong with what we’re doing.”

“That’s not what I said!”

“That’s what it sounded like,” Alec claimed, crossing his arms over his chest, proving exactly how grown-up he was.

“Look, I’m sorry,” Simon sighed. “As long as you’re both happy, then I’m happy for you. I just don’t want either of you to end up with a broken heart.”

“Well if it happens, you’re more than welcome to come and say to my face “I told you so”,” the writer growled sarcastically. “Until then, you have nothing to lose sleep about.”

Simon didn’t reply but there was a meaningful, unconvinced look on his face.

.

For a month, Simon took his role as the Splendid Shield very seriously. He would provide excuses for them when they were late or when they sneaked out during a night out. He was rivaling of imagination, always credible but it was starting to weight on his shoulders, especially because if he hated lying to his friends, he hated even more that he had to lie to Isabelle. They had just gotten back together and that didn’t exactly establish healthy foundations for a stable and sustained relationship. He kept his mouth shut, though, because he had given his word and that meant something to him. That didn’t mean he had to be happy about it and he made sure to let Alec and Magnus know quite frequently. Simon had not reiterated his warning to Alec but he always kept a cautious eye on them whenever he was around the duo.

It was because of his careful surveillance that he was able to pinpoint the little details that made him worry even more. Alec and Magnus were not aware of it but there was nothing casual about their relationship. They were dating. It was obvious in the way they gazed at each other from across a room, in the way they always seemed to be leaning toward each other for no reason, in the way their eyes lit up when the other one was mentioned even for an ephemeral second. It was in the small attentions, the little notes they left in each other’s apartment or the lingering touches they shared without noticing. Now that he knew, Simon had a new perspective. He saw everything with a pristine clairvoyance and he feared his friends would wake up too late.

They had all gathered at the apartment Clary shared with Jace. Luke and Jocelyn were there too and Simon was happy to see them. It had been a long time. He had been busy juggling between his job, trying to cover for his two idiotic friends and doing his best to make it work with Isabelle. He could not bear this idea of their relationship failing again and it made him nervous even though he tried not to make it obvious in front of her.

There was something incredibly intimidating about Isabelle. She was fierce, stronger than most people he knew, and yet, there was a vulnerability about her, something she tried to keep hidden, buried deep inside her. Simon knew better. He had known her for almost six years, had been in love with her for nearly that long. By now, he was familiar with the way she would press her lips together or crinkle her nose when she was irritated or the way any smile would start by lighting in her eyes. It only took one look at her for him to know when she was upset, excited or confused. Even when they had broken up, they had remained acquainted, not exactly friends but close enough, and in all the years he had known her, he had thought that he knew the whole palette of the emotions she could go through, from anger, to anticipation and protectiveness toward her closed ones. He had never seen her as radiant as she was now, though. She looked more beautiful than ever, laughing freely at one of Magnus’s sarcastic comments. He fell in love with her all over again.

It was so powerful that he literally felt his heart clench in his chest. It hit him full force, just as violently as if he had run straight into a brick wall. It was the best feeling in the world.

“Hey, Si, you’re alright?” Alec asked carefully, going to stand next to him against the living room wall. “You look like you’re about to have a stroke.”

Simon nodded carefully, darting his eyes away from his girlfriend to glance up at Alec, who was frowning in worry. Simon wondered if he had ever felt it, that wonderful pain in his chest, when he looked at Magnus. He didn’t dare to ask.

.

It was mid-February when Alec found himself being ambushed. He had been out all afternoon, having meetings with Aline and his editors and his head was aching with numbers, deadlines and scheduled signing sessions. He just wanted to go home, take a shower, preferably with Magnus, and go to bed. His expectations went up in smoke as soon as he turned the key in the door.

There were noises coming from his living room and he frowned. He was about to call out for Magnus when he got there and froze. Magnus was indeed there, not that he seemed happy to, but so were Jace, Clary, Isabelle and Simon.

“What’s going on?” he blurted out, his rough voice immediately catching their attention.

It was almost scary, the way they all turned to look at him in perfect sync.

Isabelle cleared her throat and pointed one of her flawlessly manicured finger to the couch.

“Sit down,” she ordered.

Bewildered, he could not do anything but oblige. He quickly darted his eyes to Magnus whose face was completely emotionless which did nothing to reassure him. He felt a dreadful lump form in his throat.

“What’s going on?” he repeated, glancing at the small group with anxious eyes. “You’re scaring me.”

“This,” Jace stated slowly but with a firm tone, “is an intervention.”

Alec frowned. “An intervention?”

“For the record, I’d like to inform everyone that I was fully against this,” Simon chimed in unhelpfully.

“So was I,” Magnus growled from his spot against the wall.

Clary just sent him an apologetic glance.

“An intervention for what?” Alec asked again, louder, his blue eyes filled with confusion.

“We need to talk about your love life,” Jace finally explained.

Alec did a double take. He had to force himself not to look at Magnus or Simon, afraid he would betray himself with a simple glance. He was too astonished to even blush.

“What?” he exclaimed, his mouth falling open in surprise. “No, we don’t!”

“Yes, we do,” Isabelle said sternly, crossing her arms over her chest. “We want to meet that boyfriend of yours.”

“I don’t have a boyfriend!” Alec protested, almost shouting. “Is this really happening right now?”

“Oh, come on, Alec,” Jace took over, folding his hands behind his back in a dominant posture. “Stop lying! There’s something going on with you!”

“I’m not lying,” Alec exclaimed and his entire face was a portrait of shock. “I don’t have a boyfriend!”

“You keep showing up late, you have hickeys on your neck all the time, sometimes you’re looking at your phone and you have that big stupid smile on your face,” Isabelle listed. This time, there was nothing to prevent his face from flushing. “You have been significantly less grumpy lately and you have tea in your cupboards even though you don’t drink tea.”

Alec put his head into his hands. He couldn’t believe this was happening.

“Okay, okay,” he admitted. “But that doesn’t mean I have a boyfriend!” he blurted out desperately. Magnus was still motionless in his corner, glaring at his siblings with undisguised irritation. It was very obvious he had been dragged here against his will.

“Bullshit,” Jace growled. “We want to meet him. I need to give him my protective brother speech.”

“Oh my God!” Alec exploded, staring at his siblings in disbelief. “You will do no such thing because you are not going to meet him.” _Because you already know him_ , he thought. “He’s not my boyfriend, we are just having sex,” he fully yelled and took great satisfaction in seeing both Jace and Isabelle take a step back. “Not that it is any of your business!”

“Okay, who is that guy?” Isabelle inquired, standing in front of him with her hands of her hips. It was like he hadn’t talked at all.

For a moment, he was almost tempted to tell them the truth just to shut them up, to see the surprise on their faces but he darted his eyes back at Magnus who was finally looking at him and seemed on the verge of doing the same thing. They couldn’t, Alec silently deliberated with himself, or at least, he couldn’t.

“My sex life is not any of your concern!” he shouted. “Am I not entitled to my privacy anymore? Should I list out the different positions we had sex in last night? Do you want to know about the time I blew him in an elevator?”

Jace and Isabelle blanched visibly, their already pale skins turning even whiter. This seemed to cause Magnus to snap out of his reverie because he snorted, a smirk playing on his lips that he tried to hide behind his hand when every heads in the room twisted to look at him.

“I told you this was a bad idea,” Simon grunted.

“Shut up!” Alec’s siblings barked in a same voice.

Jace turned back to face his still fuming brother on the couch.

“Alec, I’d love to be happy for you,” he sighed,” but I don’t know this guy so how can I trust him to take care of you? We’re worried, okay?”

Alec was starting to get seriously exhausted with people being worried for him. However, he words did soften his anger. He let out a deep breath, passing a hand over his tired features.

“And I love you for it,” he panted. “But you have no reason to be. I am fine, okay? I am very happy with the situation as it is. If I wanted to have a boyfriend, I’m sure I could find someone willing. I am not looking, though.”

His eyes were fixed straight on his brother and sister but he didn’t miss the way Simon glanced back at Magnus. He forbade himself to follow his gaze.

“Listen,” he sighed, “I can take care of myself. You don’t have to trust him but trust me, okay? I’m telling you I’m fine so just believe me.”

There was a silence during which Jace and Isabelle seemed to have an unspoken conversation between them, mostly made of frowns and raised eyebrows. Finally, they both breathed out, turning a shameful gaze to their brother.

“Fine,” they growled sheepishly. “Sorry.”

“Great,” Alec said, shaking his head in disbelief. “Now, I had a long day so would you mind leaving so I can have a shower and go to bed?”

Clary stepped in, grabbing at her boyfriend’s arm to pull him toward the front door, but not before leaning toward Alec to peck him lightly on the cheek, whispering a genuine “sorry” in his ear. He smiled at her. Isabelle turned around to look at her boyfriend expectantly.

“I’ll meet you downstairs,” Simon told her. “I just need to get one of my DVDs back.”

She nodded and left too, leaving the three of them to stare at each other.

“We tried to stop them,” Simon chimed in, rummaging on his shelves to actually get a DVD. “They are stubborn.”

“They are fucking nosey,” Magnus grunted. He still hadn’t moved from his spot against the wall and Alec found himself wanting to reach out, to pull him against him and bury his face in his neck. He didn’t.

Magnus must have read his face nonetheless because he stepped forward, dropping next to him on the couch. Alec leaned into him automatically. Simon stared at them for a second, his face expressionless.

“They’re going to find out eventually,” he stated carefully, sliding his hands in his jeans’ pockets. “And they’ll know that you lied to them for months. You should tell them.”

And with that, he retired as well.

The silence that followed his departure was awkward. Alec thought uneasily that it was probably the first time ever that there was any discomfort between them.

“Okay, that was rude and inappropriate,” he sighed in an effort to lighten up the mood. “I’m sorry you had to witness my siblings being overprotective.”

“That’s alright,” Magnus answered simply. “They love you and they want to protect you. It’s actually kind of sweet. I’m sorry I couldn’t stop them. They came to get me out of the gallery and basically dragged me here because they know I have a spare key.”

“You couldn’t have stopped them even if you wanted to,” Alec smirked, rolling his eyes fondly.

Magnus rose to his feet and Alec felt cold instantly.

“I’m going to let you go to bed,” he smiled down at him and went to get his coat that was lying at the back of his desk chair.

He put it on, pulling his collar up and Alec felt like yelling.

“Magnus?” he whispered instead.

“Hmm?”

“Stay.”

So he did.

.

Everything went back to normal. Well, if you could call Alec’s life normal.

He went on with his relationship with Magnus and it was working out, even though they were more careful than before. Simon hadn’t lectured them again and Jace and Isabelle were playing it low since his outburst at their intrusion in his private life. Clary usually stared at them from afar knowingly. She did always seem to be two steps ahead of them. Alec often wondered if she knew.

They had discussed it again but they were not ready to tell the truth. They had waited too long and now, it just seemed impossible to divulge the whole thing without digging their own graves. It was probably cowardly of them but it was a way to protect a relationship they didn’t want to put an end to.

In the end, it was Alec who changed it all. Not that he had meant to.

Their cautious routine all started falling to pieces on Clary’s birthday.  They were out celebrating at Pandemonium, a club nearby her and Jace’s apartment and the night was going smoothly.

Alec was sitting on a couch in a corner with Simon, both laughing at Jace who was currently getting his ass kicked by Helen in a shot contest. Clary was dancing happily with Isabelle, Maia and Aline on the dance floor, her smile wide and happy. A bit further, leaning on his elbows against the bar, stood Magnus, chatting excitingly with Ragnor who was rolling his eyes fondly at his friend’s enthusiasm, a small smile playing on his lips.

Jace was moaning loudly about losing against Helen and Simon and he laughed harder when his eyes wandered around the room and he froze. Simon followed his glance, surprised, and reacted exactly the same way.

“Shit,” he exclaimed, grabbing at Alec’s arm almost painfully as if to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. “Is that –“

Alec nodded, cutting him off.

He glared at her from a distance, surprised to find himself hoping she would just magically disappear. She was wearing a short red dress that complimented her curves perfectly and heels too high not to be painful. Yet, she walked like she did in his memories, with her chin up and calculated steps, like she owned the room. Her movements were fluid and gracious, light as a feather. Her pale features were striking even from a distance, her light green eyes shining with the lights of the club. Her plump lips were painted red, which only made her stand out even more. She displayed sexiness and assurance everywhere she swaggered.

Even Alec had to admit that Camille Belcourt was gorgeous.

He darted his eyes back to Magnus, who was now gesturing animatedly with his hands while Ragnor was laughing, his head thrown back. None of them had seen her yet.

Alec knew all about Magnus’s relationship with Camille. Magnus had told him everything one night when they had been laying in bed after sex, unable to really go to sleep. He thus knew that Camille hadn’t only broken Magnus’s heart. She had ripped it out of his chest, crushed it in her bare hand and stepped on the remaining ashes in high heels.

Magnus had not noticed her yet but she had and Alec felt his heart skip a beat when she grinned and started making her way toward his lover. Alec clenched his teeth and moved to get out of his seat but Simon stopped him, grabbing his arm.

“Alec, you’re just going to expose your relationship with him if you do something,” he warned him.

He was right. It was so annoying that he had to be right in that moment because he sat back and all he could do was witness from afar as Camille made her way to Magnus, stopping in front of him.

He saw his lover’s face decompose as he blurted out her name. Alec felt a wave of white fury run through him at the idea of her name rolling on Magnus’s tongue. He couldn’t hear them but he could see the surprise on the man’s face, he could guess the shakiness of his voice, he could almost perceive the untamed beating of his heart.

He felt so powerless, staring from a distance as his lover talked to his ex-girlfriend, astonishment still obvious on his face. He was internally exhorting him to just ditch her, let her move on with her night and go bother someone else but Magnus did none of that. Instead, he laughed, a happy, carefree, full laugh that made him throw his head back and put his hand against his stomach.

What took Alec’s breath away wasn’t the laugh in itself; it was the way that he literally felt his heart clench in his chest painfully. It hit him full force, just as violently as if he had run straight into a brick wall. It was the worst feeling in the world.

He was clutching his beer bottle in his hand, trying to put his beating heart at rest by any mean but he could still feel the ugly feeling twisting his stomach and he had to close his eyes and take a deep breath to prevent himself from going over there and kiss Magnus to claim his territory in the most primitive way possible. Magnus did not belong to him. Magnus was a free spirit; he did not belong to anyone but himself.

Nevertheless, he could still hear his voice in his head, telling him about the gorgeous girl with the heart of stone who had left him wrecked. Alec remembered that time clearly. Magnus had been only the shadow of himself. And yet, here he was, chatting with her as if she hadn’t been the cause of so much sorrow, so much pain. He wondered if it was just a façade, if he was actually hurting or upset inside but he was too far away for Alec to be able to read his expressions properly.

It was clear to him that he was angry, though. It was obvious in his balled fists, in his clenched teeth, in his shallow breathing.

But it wasn’t on behalf of Magnus that he was so angry, Alec had to admit. He had to be honest with himself. It was much simpler than that.

It was pure, mad, devastating jealousy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> I haven't been able to watch the new episode yet and I'm freaking out but I'm sure I'll survive... right?
> 
> What did you think of the chapter?  
> Kudos and comments are a girl's best friend, screw diamonds.
> 
> I'm really sorry but I couldn't find a cookie that wasn't too spoilery so no cookie for you today! To make it up to you, you'll have the next chapter tomorrow because I am very nice :).
> 
>  
> 
> All the love,  
> L.
> 
> Ps : Chapter's title is from Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd.


	6. Wouldn't it be nice to live together in the kind of world where we belong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I've watched the episode and my heart is still aching and I AM NOT OKAY.
> 
> Anyway, I'm going to go wallow in self-pity while you (hopefully) enjoy the chapter.
> 
> Happy reading!

 

Alec had lost all notion of time. He didn’t know if it had been two minutes or twenty that he had been staring at Magnus chatting with Camille across the room. His whole body was tensed, his nails scratching painfully in his balled fists. Next to him, Simon was glancing at him worryingly, as if he was waiting for him to explode any minute. He probably wasn’t wrong about that. His whole body was vibrating with rage.

“Alec,” he chimed in carefully, gently grabbing his shoulder. “Stop staring, you’re really not subtle.”

“Why is he even talking to her after everything she put him through?” Alec growled, more to himself than Simon.

 Suddenly, there were fingers snapping in front of his thunderous eyes and he jumped, turning toward his friend.

“Stop staring!” Simon repeated.

Alec clenched his teeth, his face flushed with anger but obliged, forcing himself to look anywhere but at the talking couple near the bar.

“Fuck Alec,” Simon sighed, casting an apologetic glance at his friend. “I warned you this would happen!”

“What?” he growled back coldly, fretfully playing with the hem of his leather jacket. “You warned me that Camille would magically resurface after four years of having disappeared from the surface of Earth? Damn, Simon, you must be psychic. Maybe you should drop the accounting thing and start doing fortune-telling instead.”

Simon shook his head, holding his hands up defensively.

“Okay, I get it! You’re pissed off so you take it out on me,” he retorted. “I warned you one of you would get hurt!”

“I’m not hurt,” Alec almost yelled, murder in his blue eyes.

“Not yet,” Simon sighed. “But you’re jealous and there must be a reason for that.”

“Fuck off,” he growled back, rising to his feet.

Simon looked astonished at his outburst and to be honest, so was Alec. He knew he was being irrational, taking out his frustration on his friend who was only trying to help. But right now, his brain was swimming in a million of different emotions and he could not control any of them. He couldn’t see past the fury, the ugly jealousy that was still twisting his stomach.

“Boys, why so serious?” came a happy voice behind him.

Simon paled, darting a nervous glance at Alec, shaking his head no but it was too late. Alec turned around, facing Magnus with a furious gaze. The latter took a step back, looking astonishingly at his lover, before turning questioning eyes to Simon.

“Are you okay?” he asked, confused.

Alec moved forward, grabbing his arm and dragging him behind him as he moved through the crowd to find some private corner somewhere. If was going to yell at someone, let it be Magnus, not poor supportive Simon. The club was too packed though, so he just settled for opening the first door he could find. It led to a dark tiny alley, barely lit, where the club’s bins were situated.

Magnus removed his arm from his grip as soon as they were out. He looked irritated too now and Alec felt his blood boil again. He began pacing up and down, trying to calm his nerves before he would do something he would regret later. Magnus was following with his eyes, both aggravated and powerless to calm him.

“Alexander, what is going on? What is the matter with you?” he asked, raising his voice.

Alec wanted to laugh. Was it really possible that he didn’t know?

Instead, he stepped forward and slammed him against the brick wall, covering his protest with his lips, muffling any noise. It was probably a testimony to the unhealthiness of their relationship that Magnus’s cry of pain turned into a moan immediately as he kissed him back eagerly.

He grabbed roughly at his hips, pushing forward to blanket his body with his own, rolling his hips against his. Magnus moaned again, slipping his hands into Alec’s hair, pulling at it almost painfully. Alec groaned, taking hold of his thighs to swiftly lift him and Magnus reacted at once, wrapping his legs around his waist.

Alec pulled back from his lips, panting heavily and found his way to the man’s neck. To hell with the rules, he thought darkly, biting lightly on his lover’s shoulder before going back up to his throat to work on leaving a mark there.

“Alec,” Magnus moaned and he wanted to make him chant his name over and over again until his voice was hoarse with it.

His hands were everywhere and nowhere all at once but finally, he settled with undoing Magnus’s jeans, trying to lower them enough to be granted the access he needed but failing.

“Why do you have to wear jeans so tight?” he growled against the taller man’s neck.

Magnus chuckled quietly, panting heavily, and lifted his hips helpfully. “Because my ass looks fantastic in them,” he whispered in Alec’s ear and he could feel his smirk against his skin even when he bit lightly on his lobe, making him whimper.

“Good point,” Alec gasped, sliding a hand in his boxers, a satisfied smirk playing on his lips as his lover held his breath, tightening his legs around him.

Magnus quickly came back to his senses, guiding his hands from Alec’s hair to his belt, undoing it hastily and finding his way down his underwear, mimicking Alec’s movements.

“Shit,” he moaned, muffling the sound by biting at his chin strap.

Magnus whined, dropping his head against the wall to grant him further access as Alec twisted his hand against his shaft expertly.

They came barely seconds away from each other, collapsing against the wall in a mess of limbs, panting heavily. Magnus got a tissue out of his jacket’s pocket, wiping his hand before holding it to Alec who did the same, finally dropping him on the floor.

Magnus zipped his pants back up and leaned against the wall, still trying to catch his breath, observing Alec with still lust-clouded eyes.

“So, do you want to tell me what got into you?” he asked gently, grabbing at Alec’s sleeve to pull him closer, preventing him from running away.

“Do I need an excuse to want to have a quickie with you in a filthy alley?” he tried to joke, smirking lightly but the smile didn’t reach his eyes.

“Alec,” Magnus sighed gravely, his long fingers sliding under his shirt to caress the skin there unconscientiously. It was very distracting.

“Nothing got into me,” he lied smoothly, darting his eyes away. He couldn’t step away though, finding comfort in Magnus’s proximity in spite of himself.

“Don’t lie to me,” his lover whispered. “You were fighting with Simon.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Alec murmured back, moving forward to slide his arms around Magnus’s waist, burying his face in his neck.

The latter hissed in pain and he immediately stepped back, his brow furrowed in worry.

“Shit. Did I hurt you?” he asked, his stomach twisting in panic.

“You went a bit Dracula on my neck,” Magnus smirked smugly, pulling him back against him. “Nothing I didn’t enjoy.”

“I’m sorry,” Alec breathed out, lightly pecking the bruise he had left on his neck.

“It’s quite alright, darling.”

Magnus’s fingers were still lazily rubbing the bottom of his back under his shirt. It was a comforting gesture and Alec knew he was doing it because he thought he was upset. He probably had no idea that Alec had just lost his mind because he had been blinded by a green-eyed monster taking over his body, all because he had caught Magnus chatting with his ex-girlfriend.

He still hadn’t moved, his head hidden against his neck, breathing hard. He was trying to make sense of everything that had just happened but he already had all the answers, even though he was not willing to admit it to himself.

“Alec,” Magnus whispered against his ear. “Are you okay?”

He nodded shamefully and finally stepped away, clearing his throat to try to hide the conundrum that was going on in his head.

“Let’s go back inside before the others start wondering where we are.”

He ignored Simon’s knowing eyes when he sat back up at their table.

.

Alec was laying in bed the next day, staring at the ceiling, deep in thoughts. Magnus was sleeping beside him, his arm over his waist and his head on his chest. He was always finding a way to touch Alec when he slept, holding on to him like he would a lifeline. Maybe it was because he had been so deprived of affection in his younger years. Maybe it was just something he did. Alec was not complaining either way. He liked having him so close to him that he could feel his heartbeat echoing in his own chest and almost discern the peacefulness of his dreams.

He was brought back from his reverie by a phone vibrating on the night table and he glanced up, stretching his neck to see that it was Magnus’s. He caught it, careful not to wake his lover, who stirred for a second but didn’t open his eyes.

It wasn’t out of curiosity that he opened the text. They did that frequently when the other was sleeping, just in case it was something important and they had to awaken them. So if he opened the text, it was mostly out of habit. He regretted it immediately.

 _Hi Magnus_ , it said, _I hope you don’t mind, I got your number back from Raphael. It was nice running into you last night. Maybe we could catch up properly over coffee someday soon? x. Camille._

For a moment that was longer that he would have liked to admit it, he pondered on just deleting the text and pretending it had never existed. He couldn’t do that, though, because Magnus was not his to claim. If Magnus wanted to try again with Camille, who was he to stop him? They were not dating. They were not in love.

At least, that’s what Alec had thought until the night before.

Magnus stirred against him and his eyes fluttered open. He smiled up at Alec, a small, sleepy smile that took his breath away, dropping a kiss against his naked torso and Alec was taken aback by the facility with which he did something that was so intimate. Their relationship had gone far beyond casual. He doubted it had ever been.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Magnus asked, laying his head back on his chest, his voice still hoarse with sleep.

“Just thinking that Izzy’s birthday is next month and I need to get her something,” he lied.

He wondered when it had become so easy for him to lie without blinking.

.

Simon seemed surprised when he opened his front door to find Alec standing there. They hadn’t talked since Alec’s outburst the night before and he had expected his friend to sulk a little longer. Yet, he was indeed there and he looked like he had seen a ghost, his pale skin even whiter than usual, his eyes flitting away nervously.

“You look like shit,” Simon said, just because he could and because Alec kind of deserved it.

“We need to talk,” he blurted out and his voice was shaking.

Simon’s brow furrowed in worry and he moved away to let him in. Alec followed him hastily but came to a halt when he arrived to the living room to find Clary sitting on the couch, a Wii remote in her hand, the TV frozen on a game of Mario Kart. She grinned at him and he tried to force a smile back, failing miserably.

“Alec, are you alright?” Simon asked worryingly.

“Never mind,” he sighed, shaking his head. “We’ll talk later. I don’t want to bother you.”

He was already moving back toward the entrance, sliding his hands in the pockets of his jeans. Simon tried to stop him but it was Clary’s voice that brought him to a halt.

“If you want to talk about your relationship with Magnus, you can do it in front of me. I already know.”

He froze, feeling a cold sensation run through his whole body. He twisted his head back to glare at Simon who looked as astounded as he did.

“I didn’t tell her!” he yelled defensively, holding his arms out.

“He didn’t,” Clary confirmed with distressing conviction. “You’re not exactly subtle. I’ve known for a while.”

Alec gaped at her, his mouth falling open in shock. He found some comfort in the fact that Simon was sporting the exact same expression.

“Come on, I’m not blind!” she exclaimed and she sounded offended that they had doubted her intelligence.

“How did you find out?” Alec asked when he recovered the ability to speech, falling into the couch next to her.

“I told you, you’re not subtle,” Clary retorted, glancing at him with a kindness he wasn’t sure he deserved. “You always disappear together whenever we go out. You both show up with marks on your neck every two days. You’re always looking at each other, even if you try to be discreet about it. You’re not. But if you want to know exactly when I found out, it was on the day Jace and Isabelle threw that stupid intervention for you. You were looking at everyone but Magnus and he looked really pissed off, too much for it to be normal.”

Alec sighed, dropping his head in his hands with a growl. Great. It was just great. The silence stretched for a minute. He needed a moment to take it all in. Of course, Simon had other ideas.

“Oh God, I am so happy someone else knows!” he exclaimed cheerfully. “All the lying was driving me insane!”

“Does Jace know?” Alec asked, completely ignoring Simon.

“Of course not,” Clary snorted. “It’s not my place to tell him and Jace would probably still be oblivious if you decided to make out with Magnus in front of him. You’ll have to spell it out for him.”

“Yeah, not gonna do that,” Alec sighed, passing a tense hand in his already disheveled hair.

Simon sat down on the coffee table in front of him, pushing a bowl full of chips aside.

“So, what did you want to talk about?”

Alec darted his eyes to Clary, biting his bottom lip nervously.

“I can go if you don’t want to talk about it in front of me,” she offered obligingly.

He could not prevent the fond smile that showed on his lips.

“No, no. You already know anyway. You can stay,” he stated warmly, gently dropping a hand on her knee and squeezing it for comfort.

He glanced back at Simon, who was looking at him expectantly.

“You were right,” he blurted out, a heavy lump forming in his throat.

“Yeah, you’ll find out that it happens quite often. About what?” Simon joked wittedly, a sarcastic spark dancing in his brown eyes.

Alec was not amused.

“I’m in love with him.”

There was something strange about having your brain catching up with your heart. Saying it out loud was like finishing a puzzle: you were pleased to have finally put it all together and at the same time, you were left with nothing else to do, an unbearable emptiness, a confronting crave. Alec had read, had even written about characters admitting their love and suddenly feeling lighter, like the weight of the world had been taken off their shoulders. He did not feel lighter. He felt crushed, ambushed, trapped. Mostly, he felt betrayed. How dared his heart impose itself on him that way?

It felt like drowning.

Alec remembered vividly what it felt like to drown. He had been young, sixteen years old when they had gone on holidays with the Carstairs and their children in Los Angeles. It was a warm day, the sun looming over them from his spot high in the sky. Alec had never been too keen on beaches. They were usually too crowded for his liking so he settled for watching from a distance and loosing himself in a book. He remembered trying to ignore the staring from a group of girls a few feet away from him, thinking that they only looked at him because Jace was not there but fooling around in the sea. He remembered how his entire body had jerked when he had heard Jace’s yell, calling out for Isabelle. He had thrown his book on the sand and run faster than he had ever before.

He didn’t like to admit it but the sea had always frightened him, not because of its vastness or even the scary animals it sheltered. The sea scared him because it was unpredictable. It had been calm, peaceful a second ago and it was now shaken by impressive waves that went well over his head. Jace had run to him, yelling about Isabelle being carried away by the flood and disappearing underwater. Alec had not needed to ponder it for a second before he had run into the enraged waters, Jace on his heels, not listening to their father who was sprinted toward them and shouting at them not to go.

He had never felt relief like he did the moment he saw Isabelle’s head coming out of the water, breathing hard and fast. He had swam to her as quickly as he could, grabbing her under the arms to keep her head out. He had almost thrown her in Jace’s waiting arms, crying at them to go back to the land, following them carefully. The wave had taken him by surprise, slamming into his back and submerging him before he could realize what was happening. The rollers had been so strong that he hadn’t been able to swim back to the surface.

He remembered the agony, how he had been able to feel his lungs running out of air and how his instincts had been stronger, forcing him to hold his breath. He remembered the struggle, his head screaming with fear, lack of oxygen and fury. He remembered the sensation of darkness closing in from all sides, contracting his chest and the pain, the insufferable pain that had gone through his entire body, leaving his mind to shout for release. He remembered thinking he was about to die and he had imagined it to be peaceful, like falling asleep, nothing like the excruciating ache that he was now suffocating with.

Falling in love with Magnus felt like that. It was a painful, excruciating sense of crave. It was like being underwater and suffocating with the lack of oxygen, leaving him lightheaded and throbbing all over. This time, there was no one to pull him out of the sea of feelings that was flooding his entire body.

 _That doesn’t mean you have to let yourself drown so that the others can breathe_ , Magnus had told him once. The words sounded ironic now that Magnus was the one pulling him underwater.

.

“I’m not going to say “I told you so” because that would just be cruel but damn it, Alec!” Simon finally blurted out, completely oblivious to his internal struggle.

“That sounded a lot like an “I told you so”, Alec retorted but there was no heat behind his words.

He was so shocked, so disrupted by the realization that he couldn’t be mad at Simon. He was only mad at himself.

“I don’t get it,” Clary chimed in, frowning. “Isn’t that a good thing?”

“No,” Alec groaned.

“They’re not dating,” Simon explained gently, his fingers dancing nervously over the coffee table.

“Yeah, I know that,” she replied wryly. “But it’s obvious Magnus feels the same way.”

“No, he doesn’t,” Alec sighed, dropping his head into his hands, pulling at his hair.

“Of course he does!” she exclaimed, sounding almost offended that he could think otherwise. “Can’t you see the way he looks at you?”

“Yes, I can,” Alec grunted, snapping his head back up to stare at her in disbelief. “He looks at me like he looks at any of you. He cares for me, I know he does, but he doesn’t love me. Not the way I just realized I love him.”

“You’re wrong,” Clary stated with a kind smile.

Alec glanced back at Simon who was nodding positively. For all their reassurance, he didn’t let himself hope. He couldn’t risk it.

.

Magnus was a chaotic person. He knew that. Everyone who knew him was aware of that.

He hated rules and firmly believed they were meant to be transgressed or, even better, broken. He was impulsive, spontaneous and it more often than not ended playing a few tricks on him. He thrived on the serendipity, the hazardous meetings, the unplanned events. He was an unguarded person, open-minded and free in everything he set his mind on doing.

He had been hurt before, so many times that he had lost count but he still welcomed fresh dangers, risking putting his heart on the line even when he knew a more prudent person would have run the other way.

He had been in situations where he had no choice but to back away, to take some time to mend his broken heart but he always had managed to heal, feeling stronger every time he finally came back from the darkness. He hadn’t thought Alexander Lightwood would be the instigator of one of those situations. It was like everything had been leading to this, to the need to back away to protect not only himself but mostly Alec. It was all coming back to blow in his face and he had not expected it to be so hard. It should have been easy to just take a step back for both their sakes. It should have been simple. And yet, Magnus hated the mere thought of it. For once, putting his heart on the line seemed like the hardest thing to do.

Ragnor was the closest thing he had to a brother. They argued quite frequently but he knew there was nothing but love between them, a deep affection that was the result of years spent together that kept growing every day. Their close relationship was the only reason why he allowed Ragnor to sometimes point out his flaws or lecture him when he was running straight into a brick wall without a care in the world, which was exactly what his friend was doing that day.

Ragnor was sitting on his couch, his long legs laying on the coffee table in front of him, Chairman Meow curled against his hip and Magnus very much wanted to call his cat a traitor but he loved him too much to do that.

“You’re playing with fire,” Ragnor was saying sardonically, his voice tainted with annoyance.

“And you’re overreacting,” Magnus growled back from where he was standing in front of the window, his back to his friend.

“I’m not,” the latter replied calmly, rolling his eyes.

“It’s just a coffee.”

“It’s not just a coffee,” he sighed, sounding more and more irritated every time Magnus disagreed with him.

“Yes, it is,” Magnus replied stubbornly. “I have no intention of getting back together with Camille. She’s coming over for coffee, end of story.”

“I know you don’t want to start something with her again,” Ragnor sighed and his tone indicated clearly that he was tired of his friend purposely missing his point. “You would be even crazier than I think you are if you did. But that doesn’t mean she’s not going to try something and you might want to think about the consequences.”

“What consequences?” Magnus groaned, finally turning around to face him. “It’s just a coffee!”

“The consequences for your relationship with Alec,” Ragnor couldn’t believe he actually had to spell it out. “I doubt he’ll be happy to know you had a coffee date with the evil ex-girlfriend that broke your heart.”

Magnus gaped at him, appearing baffled for the first time. “How did you –“

“Oh please,” Ragnor interrupted, snickering. “Don’t insult me. The guy literally dragged you out of the club last night and you came back looking like you had sex with a vampire. And not the glittering-in-the-sun-Edward-Cullen type.”

Magnus rolled his eyes, but didn’t bother denying.

“We are not in a committed relationship,” he stated as if it answered anything.

“He has a drawer in your room,” Ragnor countered. “Seems pretty committed to me.”

“It’s not,” Magnus growled, pinching his nose in frustration. “It’s just sex.”

“You would be much more convincing if you weren’t wearing one of his sweaters,” Ragnor argued nonchalantly, scratching Chairman Meow between the ears. The traitor started purring under his ministrations.

Magnus looked down, glaring at the piece of clothing like it had personally offended him.

“It’s comfortable,” he tried to justify.

 “It’s ugly, worn out and it has a hole in the sleeve,” Ragnor retorted frankly. “You would never wear it if it wasn’t his.”

“What do you want me to say, Rag?” Magnus sighed miserably.

“You’re playing with fire,” he echoed gravely. “You’re in love with Alec.”

Magnus opened his mouth to argue but he held a hand up, stopping him before he could.

“It wasn’t a question,” Ragnor stated, his aggravated eyes forbidding any further arguing. “You’re in love with Alec. You should be trying to get your relationship to the next level, not fooling around with Camille trying to do God knows what.”

Magnus let out a deep breath and crossed his arms, his hands grabbing at his upper-arms, hugging himself. The sweater smelled like Alec and it shouldn’t have been so comforting.

“Magnus, I love you, but you’re fucked up,” Ragnor added gravely.

“Well, thank you. Try to temper a bit the compliments or I might blush,” he growled, his voice heavy with sarcasm.

“You are, though. You do that all the time. You don’t appreciate the good and safe things in your life and you run straight into the dangerous ones that leave you unhappy and heartbroken. I know why you do it but you have to stop.”

Magnus turned back toward the window.

“You’re wrong. Alec is not safe. Alec is the scariest person I’ve ever met,” he breathed out lowly.

“He’s a fucking puppy,” Ragnor snorted. “He looks at you like you’re the best thing in the world. Maybe that makes him the fucked up one,” he added, a teasing spark dancing in his green eyes.

“He’s not fucked up, he’s broken,” Magnus stated gravely, ignoring the joke.

Ragnor stood up from his spot on the couch. Chairman Meow complained with a small whine but immediately went back to sleep. He walked to Magnus, forcing him to meet his eyes and grabbed his shoulders gently.

“Maybe you can fix each other then. But you won’t do that by seeing Camille. You’re just going to hurt him.”

“You don’t understand,” Magnus sighed, shaking his head stubbornly.

“Explain it to me then,” Ragnor retorted, crossing his arms over his chest obstinately.

“I need closure,” he finally blurted out. “She broke my heart, yeah, but not because she left me. She broke my heart because she never explained. I don’t know why she left me. I woke up one morning and I was going to propose to her and she was gone and all I had was a lame note saying sorry and that she was going to Europe. I need to know what I did wrong.”

“Oh God, stop with the martyr act,” Ragnor growled and he had never seemed more annoyed. “You did nothing wrong. You want an explanation? I’ve got one for you. She’s a coldhearted bitch, end of story.”

“It’s not that easy,” Magnus argued.

“Why do you keep fighting me on this?” his friend almost yelled, finally losing his temper. “Why can’t you see I just want you to be happy and nothing good is going to come out of this?”

“I told you,” he sighed. “You don’t understand.”

“No, clearly, I don’t,” Ragnor replied coldly, clenching his teeth.

Magnus shifted on his feet, darting his eyes away from him.

“You deserve to be happy,” his friend added, his eyes softening. “If you’d just let yourself be.”

.

Alec knew exactly what he had to do. He had to talk to Magnus. They needed to deal with whatever was between them once and for all.

That was why he was waiting for the elevator in the hallway of Magnus’s building, deep in thought, trying to think of what he would say to him. Simon and Clary had both advised to just tell him the truth, but he wasn’t sure he could do that, to put his heart at risk like that and let the other man decide if he would just crush it.

He was lost in his reflection, a millions miles away from Brooklyn when the elevator’s doors opened and he froze in shock.

“Alexander, hi!” Camille smirked at him, and her tone was nothing but predatory.

She looked as gorgeous as ever, in a navy blue dress that fitted her like it had been made for her. Her lips were painted red as usual and it gave to her smile a terrifying power. She was significantly smaller than him and yet, he was the one feeling little as he faced her, his mouth falling open in shock.

 For a second, his mind tried to provide any excuse for her to be here, anything but Magnus.

“I think I left him in a good mood,” she said and she had the nerves to wink at him, crushing any hope he could have had.

She stepped proudly out of the elevator, her chin up and he felt his heart clench in his chest painfully, leaving him breathless.

“Nice to see you’re as talkative as ever,” she added with a superior nod.

And just like that, she was gone. Alec followed her with incredulous eyes and waited until she was gone from view to release the breath he had been holding, stepping into the elevator.

He knocked on Magnus’s door. It just didn’t feel right to use his key.

Seeing Camille had awakened in him the answers he had been looking for. He needed to tell Magnus that he couldn’t do it anymore, that they had to stop seeing each other like they did. He didn’t need to give him any further explanation. They had started this whole thing with the promise that if any of them wanted to, they would part away without hard feelings for the sake of their friendship. He could ask for just that from Magnus and he knew he would say yes, knew he cared too much about him to try to prevent him from breaking this relationship off.

It was breaking his heart to even think about not touching Magnus anymore. He had grown so accustomed to the feel of his skin beneath his fingers, to the smell of his neck, to his moans and his hoarse voice chanting his name in his ear. He had known Magnus for a while, nearly six years and he was probably his best friend. Alec had never really liked the idea of having a best friend; it was like ranking your favorite things in the world. He loved all of his friends dearly and he saw no point in trying to pinpoint which one was the best of them. Yet, Magnus was special. Magnus knew things about him than even Jace and Isabelle ignored. Magnus understood him with a glance, could read into him like in an open book. Magnus knew so much about him that he must have known, by now, how it would break him to lose him. And Magnus cared too much about him to allow that to happen.

So Alec just had to ask. If he wanted to end it, he just had to ask. He was completely lost right now, swimming in an ocean of mixed feelings and drowning from the overwhelming flood. He wasn’t sure about anything except for this: he just had to ask.

He barely had to wait a minute before the door opened on Magnus, who looked at him with surprise, probably wondering why he hadn’t let himself in.

“Hi darling,” he exclaimed cheerfully, gesturing for him to come in.

He was beaming at him, a wide, happy smile that crushed Alec’s every intent.

Magnus’s smile was as special as he was himself. There was something so free, so open about it that it almost drew envy. If he had to describe Magnus’s in two words, he would have chosen to say he was a free spirit because that much was true. Magnus did what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it. You could not force him to do anything and that was indisputably one of the things Alec loved so much about him. His smile was a perfect reflection of his nature. It was straightforward, genuine and blindingly luminous.

It wasn’t the idea of losing Magnus’s touch that prevented him to do what he had come to do. It wasn’t even the fear of losing a dear friend. It was that smile, that dash of warmth and hope in an ocean of incertitude and misery.

Magnus had to be completely oblivious to Alec’s internal struggle, however he stepped forward, not quite touching him, but hovering close enough that they were brushing.

“Is everything alright?” he asked carefully, his brow furrowed in worry.

“I…”

He cut himself off, releasing a deep breath. Magnus frowned and he took some time to let his eyes wander over the man. He still sported a small mark on his neck from the night at the club three days ago. Alec had to dart his eyes away in shame. Looking back at it, it had been silly. Magnus had never been his.

“Yeah,” he breathed out and he didn’t even believe himself.

“What’s wrong?” Magnus asked, evidently seeing right through him.

He wanted to reach out, to hold him but stopped himself, remembering the smug smile on Camille’s face. He couldn’t say the words.

“Is it okay to be selfish sometimes?”

He didn’t understand why it was the words that his brain chose to let out of his mouth, why it was the only thought that he could form out loud.

“Alec,” Magnus whispered, reaching out to him.

He did his best to ignore the hurtful look on his handsome features when he stepped back, his hand falling miserably at his side.

“Is it okay?” he murmured again. His voice was shaking, so were his hands and he didn’t know what to do with them so he just left them hanging, fidgeting nervously with his jeans’ pockets.

“Alec, you’re the least selfish person I’ve ever known,” Magnus said.

“What if I want to be?” he asked and he took whatever courage he had left to look at him straight in the eyes, to let him see the vulnerability in his own.

“Then of course it is okay. You’re allowed to put yourself first once in a while,” Magnus spoke softly, his eyes gentle and honest, his tone clearly indicating that he thought that Alec didn’t do that quite often enough.

Alec let out a deep breath. He hadn’t realized how much he had needed to hear that.

“Alec, what is this about?” he continued on the same caring tone, his brow furrowed in worry.

It was almost amusing that he could ignore the answer.

Maybe he was being selfish to want him all to himself. But Magnus was right; Alec had never been a selfish person. He had always done everything to protect the people he cared about, to shield them from the horrors of the world and the pains that came with it. Perhaps it was the reason why he was the one aching, why he had that gaping hole in his chest, why he craved a love he didn’t think he deserved. Isabelle had told him quite often that he should stop protecting them and start protecting himself and he wondered if this was what she had meant. To let himself take the good things in his life once in a while and selfishly keep them for himself and no one else.

And Magnus was, by far and beyond anything else, the best thing in his life.

“You,” he said and his voice was barely a whisper but it resonated in him like a shout. “It’s about you.”

Magnus didn’t ask but his face softened when Alec stepped forward to cradle it in his still trembling hands.

“Then it is more than okay,” Magnus smiled, “because I am being selfish too.”

Alec had a voice at the back of his head murmuring that it didn’t mean the same thing to Magnus than it did to him but he couldn’t bring himself to care. It wasn’t that difficult to be selfish then, he thought bitterly.

By now, they had kissed many times, heated, tender or playful kisses that always left him craving for more. When he kissed him that night, it was something else entirely. It was slow, breathtaking and beautiful, like a dancing leaf falling from a tree at the peak of fall. It was like time had stopped to witness that unique moment.

Maybe it was okay to be selfish if that was how it felt, even for that single moment, even if he knew it was ephemeral, just like a dancing leaf falling from a tree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, what did you think?
> 
> Next chapter will be the last one so get yourself ready ;).
> 
> Have a cookie because you're all so lovely:  
>  _He was contemplating on skipping work today to just crawl back in bed with Alec when he spoke, his blue eyes staring at the ceiling, his brow furrowed in reflection._  
>  _“I ran into Camille last night on my way here,” he blurted out frankly._  
>  _Magnus froze and his heart skipped a beat as he remembered Ragnor’s warning. He didn’t let himself panic._
> 
> Yeah I'm a little bit evil :).
> 
> Thank you again for reading and see you on Saturday for the epilogue!
> 
> All the love,  
> L.
> 
> Ps : Chapter's title is from Wouldn't It Be Nice by the Beach Boys.


	7. Take my hand, take my whole life too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies,
> 
> Here's the epilogue. I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Happy reading.

 

Alec was lying in bed the next morning, absentmindedly stroking Chairman Meow’s fur, who was curled on his stomach, and Magnus had to hold his breath because Alec was a sight to behold, his dark hair falling into his stunning blue eyes, his chest slowing rising up and down with his relaxed breathing.

Magnus was standing next to the bed, rummaging in his drawers for something to wear, drying his hair with a towel and somehow, the quiet presence of his lover in the bed next to him was enough to fill his chest with warmth and giddiness.

He was contemplating on skipping work today to just crawl back in bed with Alec when he spoke, his blue eyes staring at the ceiling, his brow furrowed in reflection.

 “I ran into Camille last night on my way here,” he blurted out frankly.

Magnus froze and his heart skipped a beat as he remembered Ragnor’s warning. He didn’t let himself panic. He had done nothing wrong but there was something in Alec’s voice, a hurtful underline that made him wonder if Ragnor hadn’t been right after all.

“She was coming out of the elevator while I was waiting for it,” Alec continued, like he felt the need to justify himself.

Magnus moved slowly, trying to find his words. He wondered if that was why he had looked so distressed the night before but he didn’t allow himself to look further into that thought, not yet.

“She came over for coffee,” he explained carefully.

Alec nodded calmly but his blue eyes looked troubled and Magnus knew it was not enough.

“I had to talk to her,” he added.

An uncomfortable silence stretched between them, carrying too much unsaid truths and tacit pains.

“I just want to know if this relationship has changed from a casual thing to me being some sort of hidden mistress,” Alec stated finally, and the bare ache in his tone felt like an open wound in Magnus’s heart.

“Of course not,” he told him hastily, panic obvious in his voice. “Alexander, you know by now that I would never –“

“Do I?” Alec cut him off, his brow furrowed in what looked a lot like misery. “How would I know?”

Suddenly, it all made sense to Magnus, the way he had acted at the club, the way he had acted the night before and his heart clenched painfully in his chest. He felt trapped and he could only blame himself, because he had run straight into this conundrum without thinking twice. But there was something else, a glimpse of hope that he chose to hold on to.

“Alexander,” he whispered and he hoped he could hear the sincerity in his voice and perceive the desolation in his features, “do you trust me?”

“Of course I do,” he replied instantly and it filled him with welcomed warmth.

Magnus walked to the bed, sitting next to Alec cautiously. Chairman Meow stirred, glanced nonchalantly at him and jumped off the bed, running out of the bedroom, leaving room for Alec to hold himself on his elbows, looking straight into his eyes.

“There is nothing between Camille and I, not anymore, not ever again,” he stated slowly.

“Are you sure she knows that?” Alec inquired grimly.

“I’m sure I was pretty clear about it,” Magnus sighed. “What did she say to you?”

“Not much. It was more what she implied.”

Magnus clenched his teeth in anger. Ragnor had been right; it had been a bad idea to want to talk with her in the first place. Camille was not the kind of person you could reason with. Their conversation had proven that again. He had tried to get answers but she had only replied with half-truths and amused smirks, as if Magnus’s pain had been a great source of amusement to her. He was not hurt anymore, his heart had healed a long time ago but he found himself angry like in the first days after she had left him at the thought of her hurting Alec. She could damage Magnus all she wanted but she had no right to drag Alec into her cruel games.

“Darling,” he murmured carefully, adjusting his position on the bed so that he was closer to him.

Alec shifted to allow him in his personal space, which was somehow more comforting that he had expected it to be.

“I don’t want Camille in my life anymore. Yesterday was just closure because after all this time, I just… I needed answers that I never got before. It was a mistake because she’s not exactly a cooperative person but it was a confirmation that I wasn’t blinded by my feelings for her anymore. I could see her just as she really is and I needed that. I don’t know how to phrase it to make you understand it.”

At first, Alec didn’t reply and Magnus, through that silence, felt lonelier than he had ever felt with him. He hadn’t thought he ever would.

“I understand,” Alec eventually whispered and suddenly, he wasn’t alone anymore. “I just want to be sure that you won’t change your mind about her.”

Magnus smiled a small, shy smile that he hoped was reassuring enough. Maybe he had been wrong, maybe he could put his heart on the line if Alec was the one waiting at the end of it. Maybe all they had really needed was to talk, and it felt so good to do it, to be honest about everything.

“Oh Alec,” he breathed out, letting his fingers wander on his lover’s cheek lightly. “I don’t want anyone but you.”

It wasn’t exactly an I love you but it was the closest thing he had to offer right now without risking too much.

“That’s good,” Alec whispered back, pushing himself on his elbows to kiss him lightly, just a brush of lips that made Magnus’s heart melt. “Because I don’t want anyone but you.”

And in that moment, it was better than all the love confessions in the world.

.

Casual. Not so casual anymore. Putting a label on their relationship seemed pointless in the end.

Their relationship had never been casual so it wasn’t any more or less after they tacitly decided to stop lying to themselves by pretending it was. Nothing really changed.

The only problem was that Isabelle and Jace still didn’t know about their relationship, whatever they wanted to call it. They had talked about telling them, had even asked for Simon and Clary and Ragnor’s opinion about it but they couldn’t figure out a way to do so without them being angry about having been lied to for months.

In the end, in spite of all their talks to design plans and think a clever way out, it all happened by accident.

They were all gathered at Magnus’s apartment for a movie night, slouched on the couch and strewn pillows on the floor. Alec was sitting on the couch, leaning against Magnus to his right who had his legs laying on his lap but that wasn’t unusual enough to draw his siblings’ attention. What did was something much more obvious.

“Does anyone want a beer?” Alec asked, reluctantly moving from his spot on the couch to go to the kitchen.

Isabelle, Jace and Clary all raised their hands eagerly, barely bothering to get their glance away from the TV and he rolled his eyes, getting the beers from the fridge. He distributed them before sitting back down. He caught Magnus’s eyes, who was observing him with a gaze so full of care and tenderness that he leaned forward and kissed him lightly. It was out of habit, nothing more than a quick peck, and as natural to them as breathing and he didn’t even realized he had done it until he settled back against Magnus to see everyone gazing at them.

Simon looked very amused and so did Clary if the way she was hiding a smirk behind her beer bottle was any indication. Jace and Isabelle, on the other hand, both sported matching astonished expressions, staring at the couple on the couch with widened eyes.

It finally downed on Alec that he had just kissed Magnus in front of them and that that kiss in itself spoke volume of the true nature of their relationship.

“What?” Jace blurted out loudly.

Alec felt his cheeks burn in embarrassment.

“Did you just… kiss him?” Isabelle asked, just as noisily.

“Uhm, well, it’s… you know… and…” Alec stammered very eloquently.

He turned for help to Magnus, who was biting his bottom lip, his face a mixture of amusement and apprehension. Alec narrowed his eyes at him and his expression changed to a sorry one. It was too late anyway.

“Why don’t you two look surprised?” Jace exclaimed astonishingly, turning toward Simon and Clary who were now fully snickering.

They looked so offended that the attention had been turned to them that they both just gaped at their significant other, incredulity evident in their eyes. Alec heard Magnus giggle quietly next to him.

“Oh no,” Simon growled crankily, “this is not on us! You want to blame someone, you blame them.”

“Way to throw someone under the bus,” Magnus mumbled, not so amused anymore, while Alec himself glared at his friend.

“Traitor,” he murmured.

“Your turn will come,” Isabelle concluded, turning back to look at the couple on the couch. “Is Magnus the secret man you’ve been seeing for months?” she asked accusingly, murder in her eyes.

Jace was sporting the same look, his arms crossed over his chest. Magnus gulped audibly.

“Maybe?” Alec answered, squinting his eyes apologetically and it sounded more like a question than a straightforward reply.

“Alec,” Jace and Isabelle growled at the same time, clear warning in their voices.

“Okay, yes,” he finally confessed shamefully, his cheeks burning with mortification.

“How long?” Jace asked coldly.

This was the question Alec had been the most reluctant about because he knew there was no way they would like the answer. It was April. They had starting their casual relationship late November.

“About six months,” Magnus replied for him and Alec was relieved to hear he didn’t sound smug because that would have just pissed his siblings off even more.

“Are you two dating?” Isabelle inquired next, and she was even scarier than Jace.

Okay, so maybe _that_ was the question Alec feared most because it was the only one he wasn’t really sure how to answer. He turned around to look at Magnus, who was already glancing back at him.

It was an unguarded look and Alec had no trouble reading it. There was deep affection in his green eyes but there was trust too, and a spark that told Alec that he was the one with any power on the respond. They hadn’t talked about labeling their relationship in a long time and in that moment, he was almost forced to do it, yet it didn’t feel like such a hardship to turn back to his siblings and say the only truth he was fully confident about.

“Yeah,” he breathed out. “Yeah, we are.”

Simon and Clary beamed at them and it filled Alec with such warmth that he had to dart his eyes away from them. Instead, he chose to stare back at his siblings, worriedly awaiting their reaction. He expected shouts, accusations, maybe even insults. None of that came. Isabelle simply shrugged while Jace shook his head in disbelief, rolling his eyes like it was the stupidest thing he had ever heard.

“Okay,” he stated casually.

Alec’s mouth fell open in shock. “That’s it? You’re not… angry?”

“Angry?” Isabelle’s brow furrowed in confusion. “Why would we be angry? We love Magnus! Oh, sure, I’m mad that you thought you had to hide something so important from me but at least now I know you’re not fooling around with some pervert.”

“Debatable,” Magnus whispered for his ears only and Alec elbowed him gently in the ribs. “Thank you sweetheart,” he added louder. “I love you too.”

“But you’ll both have to make it up to me for lying. Be imaginative and remember I like shiny things,” Isabelle winked at them playfully, a happy spark dancing in her eyes.

“Duly noted,” Magnus smirked.

“Also, I want all the details of the past six months as soon as the movie is over,” Isabelle said firmly, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Oh darling,” Magnus replied with a coy grin and Alec knew immediately where this was going, “you really, really don’t want _all_ the details.”

Alec flushed, elbowing him in the ribs again, stronger this time.

“Hey!” his boyfriend – it was incredible how the word didn’t seem foreign at all in his head – protested.

“Shut up. Stop being so self-satisfied about this,” Alec grumbled, before darting his eyes to his adoptive brother carefully. “Jace?”

He didn’t need to say more. The question and the tone were pretty self-explanatory.

“I’m not mad,” Jace uttered reassuringly. “And I definitely don’t want all the details unless it’s something I can use for blackmail later.”

Alec let out a deep breath, falling back into the couch and against Magnus, who stroked the nape of his neck lightly in comfort. It was because he knew him very well that Alec was able to tell that it was not only to comfort him, but Magnus himself too. In all the situations they had imagined that could occur when they would finally tell the truth to his siblings, they had never predicted that they would be so comprehensive and so supportive. It was such a relief and Alec was filled with incommensurable love for his brother and sister.

It didn’t last long.

“Okay,” Jace blurted out, rising from his spot at the foot of the couch. “Magnus, stand up and follow me. I need to give you my overprotective brother speech.”

Alec growled, burying his face in Magnus’s shoulder.

“Oh God, please no.”

Magnus chuckled, dropping a kiss into his hair.

Alec sometimes wondered what his life would have been like if his parents hadn’t adopted Jace when his biological parents had died. Peaceful was pretty high on his list. Boring, too.

Magnus rose from the couch and he wanted to grab onto him to protect him from his brother’s stupidity but he settled with simply whining, his arm falling lamely in the empty space he had just left.

.

Alec had found excitement in their hidden relationship. It had been exhilarating and dangerous, something to keep him awake in the dullness that had been his life before.

Being Magnus’s official boyfriend was a thousand times better. It was in simple things that Alec found the most pleasure. Holding his hand when they were walking down the street, giving him a soft kiss without caring who could and would see, looking at him as often and for as long as he wanted to, it was liberating.

Being Magnus’s secret lover had been great. Being his boyfriend was extraordinary. Simon mocked them quite frequently, joking that it actually didn’t change much because they had been dating all along. In a way, it was true. Yet, it wasn’t completely.

They still had some progress to make with expressing their feelings but they were open about everything else and they were free, free to throw themselves in this relationship without a care in the world if they would end up flying too close from the sun and burn their wings. If they fell, they found comfort in the fact that they would fall together. It was more than enough.

.

Alec wasn’t so resentful the next time they ran into Camille. They were on their way to Taki’s Diner, chatting happily, hand in hand, focusing on nothing but the other one, ignoring the tumult of Manhattan around them. Camille was standing a few feet away from them, a pair of sunglasses on her nose to protect herself from the early summer lights, holding her hand up to call for a taxi. Alec was the first one to spot her and he couldn’t help but let his smile drop at the sight of her. It was his distraught expression that forced Magnus to follow his gaze to find his ex-girlfriend standing there. None of them stopped walking, though, and they quickly found themselves standing in front of her.

Alec knew it was crazy that he had managed to run into her thrice in a city as huge as New York and he wondered if maybe fate was testing him or if the was universe trying to send him signs that this would end badly for the both of them. _Screw the universe, I make my own fate_ , he thought bitterly and he squeezed Magnus’s hand harder. His boyfriend smiled up at him reassuringly and it definitely buried any worry he could have had.

Camille caught their gaze as they were merely a few steps away from her.

“Magnus, Alexander,” she exclaimed with her ever bitter smile. “Nice to see you both. It must be the day for unexpected encounters.”

Her tone indicated that it was everything but nice. They weren’t sure what she meant, not that they really cared.

“Camille,” they saluted in a same voice.

She let her eyes drop to their linked hands and raised an ironic eyebrow. Alec stood taller, a protective gesture that she took in with a smirk.

“I hadn’t thought lost puppy to be your type, Magnus,” she said cruelly.

Alec frowned at the insult, his eyes darkening with irritation.

“Well, it’s much better than heartless bitch, if you want my opinion,” Magnus retorted with a falsely polite smile.

“Fuck you,” Alec chimed in at the same time.

There was surprise in her green eyes for a second but her face quickly turned back to stone. Alec wondered what had happened to her to make her that way, not that it would have been an excuse.

“There’s no need to bark,” she chuckled, looking at Magnus but speaking to Alec. “I don’t want to steal away your man. I grew tired of him a long time ago. You probably will too someday soon.”

Alec narrowed his eyes in anger, his blood boiling in his veins.

“I would love to agree with you but then we’d both be wrong,” he said as calmly as he could. “You know, even I have to admit you are a beautiful woman, Camille.”

She frowned at him, but quickly recovered. “Thank you,” she replied, still smirking.

“It is a shame that all of that beauty is just a cover-up for the fact that inside, you are just incredibly dull,” he continued wryly. “If the best you can do to amuse yourself is insult our relationship, then by all means, have as much fun as you want now because when all that beauty starts to fade away and you’re left with the knowledge that you have no other qualities to compensate, I will just feel sorry for you. Now, we have to be somewhere where the company is much better than here,” he stated coldly, his blue eyes the only witnesses to the white fury burning inside him. “I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are.”

She was gaping at him, her mouth fallen open in shock and bewilderment. He completely ignored her and turned his eyes to Magnus who beamed at him and took off walking, squeezing his hand even harder. Magnus waited until she was out of sight to push Alec against a wall, thoroughly kissing him breathless. When he pulled back, he was looking at him with so much love in his eyes that Alec felt his heart skip a beat.

“I l–“, Magnus started, an incredible fondness in his voice.

“Don’t you dare say it for the first time after we just ran into your evil ex,” Alec interrupted him with a growl, his eyes narrowed in barely disguised exasperation.

Magnus chuckled, shaking his head in affection, his fingers lightly stroking his boyfriend’s cheek.

“I do, though,” he said simply.

Alec softened immediately. “I know. I do too.”

.

When they got to Taki’s Diner, their friends were already there. Simon and Clary were laughing loudly, absorbed in their small bubble, as she showed him something on her phone. Isabelle was chatting animatedly with Aline who was leaning against Helen who was talking to Jace and snickering, probably making sarcastic comments about Isabelle’s story.       At the end of the table sat Ragnor, who was observing the small group like he wanted to be anywhere but there, but there was a fondness in his gaze that he couldn’t conceal.

“Finally!” he exclaimed when he saw them, looking relieved. “I feel like I’m surrounded by horny teenagers! All that love is sickening.”

He took one long look at them, their silly grins, their hands firmly linked together before narrowing his green eyes and sighing deeply.

“You’re worse than all of them together. Why did I think it was a good idea to come?” he grunted.

“Ragnor, my dear, it’s great to see you too. You’re a ray of sunshine as always!” Magnus mocked playfully.

His friend flipped him off, before turning to Alec. “I trusted you,” he grumbled but there was no heat behind it. “You were the reasonable one. Now look what you did to my friend.”

“What did I do?” Alec asked, genuinely confused, his brow slowly furrowing.

“You made him happy”, he growled accusingly but he couldn’t hold back his lighthearted smirk. “I’m not used to it, it’s very disconcerting.”

“You’re welcome,” Alec replied sarcastically, taking the empty seat next to Ragnor while Magnus sat in front of him.

“If I catch either one of you playing footsie under the table, I’m going to be very pissed off,” he informed them crankily.

Alec chuckled.

“So, tell me, who stole your last cookie so I can reprimand them for making you even more of a pain than usual?” Magnus asked, his voice heavy with sarcasm.

“I ran into Camille on my way here,” Ragnor admitted reluctantly. “Let’s just say it’s never a good surprise.”

“Oh, so you’re the other unexpected encounter,” Alec chimed in, before explaining when Ragnor raised a questioning eyebrow. “We ran into her too.”

“Are you two okay?” Ragnor asked and there was real worry in his voice.

It occurred to Alec that their friends were now all looking at them.

“Oh yeah, we’re okay,” Magnus replied with a joyful grin. “Alec was badass.”

He then launched into a very thorough story of what had happened with Camille, explaining in great details how Alec had stood up to her. When he was finally done, Alec was blushing intensely, his friends laughing at him.

“Always the protective big brother,” Clary teased happily.

“Magnus is not my brother,” Alec replied lamely. “That would be disgusting.”

“And illegal,” Simon added unhelpfully, an amused spark dancing in his brown eyes.

Alec glared at him.

“And disgusting,” Jace echoed with an appalled grimace.

“On the good side, that will make a very good story to tell on your wedding day,” Isabelle chimed in.

Alec felt his cheeks burn even more and he hadn’t know that was even possible. He groaned, taking his head in his hands.

“Wedding that I’m totally planning by the way. I love planning parties,” his sister added with a carefree grin.

“I think an autumnal theme would be nice,” Magnus stated thoughtfully, just for the pleasure of driving his boyfriend insane, as Aline nodded in agreement.

Alec’s head snapped back up and he gaped at him. “Don’t encourage her!” he chastised him under his breath.

Isabelle ignored him completely, turning to face Clary. “Do you think Luke would lend us the lake house?”

“Are you getting married? You haven’t even been dating for a year!” Jace exclaimed in puzzlement, glancing back and forth between Alec, who looked about to have a stroke, and Magnus, who looked like he was mostly enjoying himself.

“Can I be your best man?” Simon inquired good-naturedly and Alec gaped at him, feeling more betrayed than ever. “What? Jace would be a disastrous best man.”

“I’d throw the best bachelor party in the history of bachelor parties!” Jace protested loudly, clearly very offended. “I’m totally the best man.”

“At least, you don’t have to ask yourself that question,” Ragnor joked, turning to Magnus. “I’m your only choice.”

“There is no best man or men!” Alec finally exploded. “We are not getting married!”

“What, ever?” Magnus asked, faking a hurt gasp.

“Of course we’re getting married,” he hurled back. “Just not now!”

He realized what he had said a second too late and he resisted the urge to slam a hand in front of his mouth. He flushed again and groaned loudly, banging his head on the table in despair.

“I hate you all,” he mumbled, not daring to look up and see their smug eyes.

“You could never,” Jace snickered unsupportively. “You’d feel guilty.”

Alec felt a foot hit lightly against his shin and he looked up shamefully, his cheeks still red with embarrassment, to find Magnus gazing back at him like he was the most precious thing in the universe. It almost made up for the humiliation.

“Don’t look at me like that, I’m mad at you!” he demanded but his voice lacked the enthusiasm. “And don’t say it now either, not in front of them! They don’t deserve to hear it.”

“I do, though,” Magnus replied gently and he didn’t say the words out loud, but his green eyes were saying them clearly.

“I know,” Alec said crankily, taking his hand over the table to rub his thumb against his knuckles. “I do too.”

“You two are disgustingly cute,” Simon blurted out. “It’s very annoying.”

“Don’t worry, babe,” Isabelle smiled, glancing at him with all the love she felt for him, hooking her arm with his. “We’re cuter.”

“No, you’re not,” Aline told them, raising a smug eyebrow and there was no room for negotiation neither in her tone nor her posture.

.

Alec had thought he had been in love before but he realized now he had been wrong. He had cared for his previous boyfriends, mostly Scott who still was his longest relationship. But it was nothing in comparison to what loving Magnus was like.

It had been terrifying. It had made him stone cold all over. Now, it wasn’t anymore, not when Magnus was laying across the bed, his head thrown back in laughter, the red marks he had meticulously left there the night before fully exposed. There was no feeling like the pride he experienced when he managed to make him laugh like that.

It wasn’t so terrifying anymore because he was aware somehow that, even though they had never said the worlds out loud, they had showed them a thousand times before with little attentions, drawn out gazes or lingering kisses. It was in the way Magnus would get excited when Alec would let him read a chapter of his new book before anyone else, even Aline. It was in the blinding smile on Magnus’s face when Alec came to bring him lunch at the gallery. It was in the way they would whisper each other’s name when they were making love. It was in the way Alec had realized as long as he had his friends, his siblings and him, always him, him forever, he didn’t need anyone else. It was in every little gesture, in every little smile, in every little brush of their lips. There was nothing complicated about that.

So it didn’t feel like such a complexity to just look at Magnus the next morning and let the words flow out.

“Magnus?”

His boyfriend looked up at him and there was a small, playful smile on his lips.

“I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you too,” Magnus replied, suddenly very serious.

And it was simple and, really, not terrifying at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All done!   
> I hope you liked it. Thank you so much for the comments, kudos, bookmarks, etc. You've all been very lovely!  
> Thank you for your support and your kind words :).
> 
> You can still find me on tumblr here: onceuponasourwolf. I am very open to cry about Malec with you if you need to!
> 
> Also, I have another Malec fanfic on the way. First chapter will be posted early next week and I hope to find you there ;)
> 
> All the love and thanks again,  
> L.
> 
> Ps : Chapter's title is from Can't Help Falling in Love by Elvis Presley. <3

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr [@lecrit](http://lecrit.tumblr.com/) (yup, I changed my username) and on twitter [@_L_ecrit](https://twitter.com/_L_ecrit)


End file.
